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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29307981">is it chill that you're in my head?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybeesoup/pseuds/honeybeesoup'>honeybeesoup</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Drunken Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, Late Night Calls, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Random Updates, Suppressed Feelings, a lot of drunken everything only in chapter one though, i accidentally made this similar to another story of mine, its really sappy oops, like every other chapter it changes, my brand lmao, oh well, typos in the first chapter are all intentional</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:01:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,340</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29307981</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybeesoup/pseuds/honeybeesoup</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"The thing is," Karl says, torn, "that I don't know how to stop wanting you." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>  <em>Sapnap lets out a breath. "How much do you want me, Karl?" It's hushed, full of whispered words and unspoken promises that the world will never hear, not meant to be shouted but instead to be said into the muffled embrace of another. </em></p><p> </p><p>  <em>"Too much, I think. More than I should." </em></p><p> </p><p>  <em>"Well.." Sapnap's eyes meet his own, brown on grey, and the tiny lights that dance within them reflect miles and miles of stars and sky. He looks quietly desperate, conflicted, grasping for reassurance that they're going to make it out of this. </em></p><p> </p><p>  <em>He wants it, too, enough that Karl can taste it.</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---<br/>in which Karl stumbles onto Sapnap's doorstep in a drunken heap one night, and it all goes downhill from there.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Karl Jacobs/Sapnap</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>490</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi! this is a shorter, less consistent fic but i am all about posting things for the sake of self indulgence. enjoy!</p><p>if any ccs mentioned ever say they're uncomfortable with fics, this will be taken down (goes for all my writing) </p><p>title is from the song "delicate" by taylor swift because idk it fit</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The last thing Sapnap expected to be doing at two in the morning today was texting his drunk best friend in an attempt to navigate him through his front yard. </p>
<p>Okay, maybe not the <em>last</em> thing, but it's certainly not how he'd planned to spend the night. It's a Saturday, and all he'd really wanted to do was chill at his house, maybe call some friends on Discord or just play CS:GO until he got tired. His house is certainly not in any condition to be having guests over, and although his friends are a little more than just "guests", a heads-up at the very least would have been nice. </p>
<p><em>hey sopnap,</em> Karl had texted him maybe thirty minutes ago. <em>i gotta question for you</em> </p>
<p><em>hey why tf are you awake this late,</em> he'd said, choosing to ignore that he too was awake well past the acceptable hours. </p>
<p>
  <em>dogn worry about it dude im fin e </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>you don't sound fine wtf are you alright </em>
</p>
<p><em>Yeaj h i'm great<br/>
sapnap can o come to yoru house</em> </p>
<p>It was at this moment exactly, 1:48 am on Sapnap's squashed living room sofa, that he'd realised something was off more than usual; something he couldn't quite place, but not for long. A couple typos are to be expected with Karl, but tonight's had been strangely excessive. Sapnap had worried.  </p>
<p>
  <em>i mean sure? but are you SURE you're okay dude </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>6eah<br/>
im in an . uber </em>
</p>
<p><em>why are you in an uber </em><br/>
<em>wait,</em> he'd said, and then it had occured to him. <em>karl are you drunk or something</em></p>
<p>
  <em>i gtink so<br/>
wooooo i dont know<br/>
probabyl<br/>
but itold the guy your address so ujhhh that's wheree were going now  </em>
</p>
<p>
    <em>oh my god,</em> he'd texted with a sigh, <em>you're so stupid.</em> Although he's usually prone to cracking smiles at his friend's dumbassery, at this point it had been far too late for him to be particularly pleased. 
</p>
<p>
      <em>tekl me about it </em>
</p>
<p>
      <em>fine you can come inside<br/>
how far away are you </em>
</p>
<p>
      <em>iihvace no idea<br/>
ill tell y ou when im here okay</em>
</p>
<p>
  By this point, Sapnap had been convinced that nothing more would surprise him - and for the most part, he was right. With the occasional text from Karl, he'd only hoped that the other would be able to make it up his front doorstep once he arrived. 
</p>
<p>
  But unfortunately, that isn't quite so simple - as is indicated by his position in the front hallway, waiting on his friend to knock on the door. Sapnap's irritation is already growing in size, and all he really wants to do by now is be asleep. God forbid he ever does something like this again (for Karl he'd do it a thousand times over, but that's a topic for another day). 
</p>
<p>
 <em>are you sure you can do this yourself?</em> he asks Karl, who's been insistent on walking himself up to the door (even though it would be much easier, as Sapnap points out, to just let himself be dragged in). <em>i can come get you if you want </em>
</p>
<p>
      <em>NO im doing it myself .<br/>
you udneresitmate me saonap </em>
</p>
<p>
 <em>okay okay, just don't trip over the steps </em>
</p>
<p>
    <em>There's a sudden pause. </em>
</p>
<p>
 <em>ow fuck,</em> Karl's message comes through maybe a minute later.
</p>
<p>
 <em>did you trip </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>yeah </em>
</p>
<p>
<em>youre such a loser<br/>
maybe like stop texting me while you get up here? </em>
</p>
<p>
<em>neve r </em>
</p>
<p>
<em>we can talk when you're inside i mean </em>
</p>
<p>
<em>no no no guess swhay sapnap<br/>
IM H ERE!! </em>
</p>
<p>
And right on cue, there's a knock on the door. Filled with relief that Karl hasn't got himself killed, Sapnap approaches cautiously and pulls it open, instinctively stepping away from any potential areas of threat. Karl, leaning against his doorframe with heavy-lidded eyes, gives him a lopsided smile as the dim lights from the hallway flood onto his face. A long shadow is thrown onto the ground behind him, one that wobbles and shakes just the same way he does. He looks <em>really</em> out of it, and Sapnap isn't sure whether he's about to pass out or start laughing uncontrollably.
</p>
<p>
 "Hi!" Karl shouts, a dizzy smile suddenly plastered on his cheeks. He makes a grab for Sapnap, maybe to hug him or something of the like, but misses and has to lunge for the doorframe again to avoid falling on his face.
</p>
<p>
 A laugh escapes Sapnap, filled with fondness and annoyance. "You're an idiot, Karl- look, come in, okay? You can sleep on the couch or something."
</p>
<p>
"Huh.. okay!" he steps forward and immediately falls face-first, and Sapnap has to grab him by the shoulders to keep him up. 
</p>
<p>
"Shit, how drunk are you? Are you okay?" Although lighthearted, a bit of concern creeps into his voice. He doesn't want Karl hurting himself.
</p>
<p>
 "...what? I'm fine," Karl mumbles blearily, tugging away from him and stumbling in the direction of a wall. "Don't worry dude, I'm gonna-"
</p>
<p>
 "Nope, you're not going anywhere," Sapnap grabs his arm before he crashes, pulling him close enough that he's not in any danger of falling over (or doing something else stupid). Karl does not take kindly to this.
</p>
<p>
 "Hey, <em>stop</em>," he groans, pulling vainly in the opposite direction. "Fuck, let go of me-"
</p>
<p>
 "You're not getting into any accidents, okay? Stay here."
</p>
<p>
 Come <em>on</em>-" Karl struggles, but Sapnap's grip is firm, and before long he's given in. 
</p>
<p>
 "Fine," he says, admitting defeat. "Where.. where are we going, huh? <em>Take me to your leader!</em>"
</p>
<p>
 Ignoring Karl's drunken attempt at a joke, Sapnap steers him in the direction of the living room.
</p>
<p>
 "We're just gonna go sit down, okay? This way."
</p>
<p>
 Karl allows himself to be led down the hallway, and Sapnap keeps a very firm hold on the dark fabric of his sleeve as they go. He's not taking any chances. Karl, however, seems to have accepted his fate, and despite his lagging behind he remains cooperative until Sapnap has sat him down on the sofa.
</p>
<p>
 The living room they've just entered isn't the cleanest place in the world - dusty, cushions scattered untidily across the slightly squashed couch, but Karl doesn't seem as if he's in any state of mind to care about that. With a loud huff, he flops against the back of the sofa, eyes half-closed and slightly bloodshot. He looks beyond tired. 
</p>
<p>
 Sapnap lets go of his shirt at last, hoping he doesn't spring back on him. "Are you gonna sleep? You probably need it."
</p>
<p>
" ..hm? Yeah, yeah I will… will you sit with me?"
</p>
<p>
 "Oh," Sapnap raises an eyebrow, a little surprised. "You want me to?"
</p>
<p>
 Squinting up at him, Karl nods. "C'mere, Sapnap, I'm tiiired."
</p>
<p>
 "You can go to sleep," he says, amused. "I don't have to sit with you for that to happ-"
</p>
<p>
 He pouts. "Yes, you do… come <em>on</em>, Sapnapppp."
</p>
<p>
"Why are you so clingy right now?" he mutters, and caves in (but maybe it's worth it to see the smile that lights up the other's face as he sits down beside him). Immediately, Karl's head falls onto his shoulder, slightly uneven breaths tickling Sapnap's neck and making him shiver. The gesture is probably automatic, considering his current state, but it doesn't stop Sapnap's mind from jumping to weird places.
</p>
<p>
 "You good there?"
</p>
<p>
"I never noticed… how cute you were," Karl says, leaning into him even more closely (if that's even possible). It comes out of nowhere, and Sapnap, a little taken aback, isn't exactly sure what to say. To his dismay, his face reddens, and he thanks everything in him that it's dark and Karl isn't looking at him.  
</p>
<p>
 "Thank you…? I'm not really-"
</p>
<p>
Interrupting him for the hundredth time that night, Karl puts a finger to his lips. "Shhh.. you are! You're.. cute, Sapnap. Sappy!" His eyes light up at the nickname. "Cute name 'n cute face."
</p>
<p>
 "Um, yeah, right," he mumbles, forcibly removing Karl's hand from his face with a sheepish smile. He can feel his cheeks burn. "Look, Karl, go to sleep, okay? We can-"
</p>
<p>
 "Why so.. so shy?" he says. "Come on, you know you like it-"
</p>
<p>
 "I don't know what you-"
</p>
<p>
 Of course, Karl chooses that moment to half-fall into Sapnap's lap, head colliding with his chest with a dull <em>thump.</em>
</p>
<p>
 "Seriously, Karl, oh my god." He stares down at him, head now under Sapnap's chin and legs curled up on top of his own.
</p>
<p>
 "You <em>looove</em> me," he teases, reaching up to poke Sapnap in the nose again. "You won't be mad at me for long, Sappy, I know you won't."
</p>
<p>
 "That's a terrible nickname," he complains, but it's true. It's so hard to stay mad at Karl, no matter how hard he tries, especially right now in their current position (though you'd think that would make it easier).
</p>
<p>
 "Um, you're kinda.." he glances down at the other's face; Karl stares up at him with slightly glazed-over eyes. "All over me."
</p>
<p>
"Shhh," Karl whispers, wrapping his arms around Sapnap's torso. "You don't mind, huh?" 
</p>
<p>
 "Well, no, I don't." Quite the contrary, actually, not that he'd say it. It's nice, but in a weird way that makes Sapnap wonder <em>why</em> exactly it is.
</p>
<p>
 "Good, cause you're comfy."
</p>
<p>
 He can't help smiling. "Are you just gonna sit in my lap or what?"
</p>
<p>
 "Mm… yeah," he says, a soft exhale running through his body. "I'm staying here, kay?"
</p>
<p>
"Alright, that's.. that's fine," he says, a trace of affection in his voice that he wasn't meaning to let through. "Promise me you won't break any of my bones?" 
</p>
<p>
 "Promise!" he says, lifting his head abruptly and knocking Sapnap's chin hard.
</p>
<p>
 "Ow! <em>Karl-</em>"
</p>
<p>
 "Whoops, sorry.. I didn't hurt you, right?" He sounds genuinely concerned for a second.
</p>
<p>
 "Oh, no, you're fine," he grimaces, attempting to brush off the unexpected pain. "Go to sleep now, okay? You're tired, I know you are."
</p>
<p>
 "I am, but…" he pauses, thinking hard. "But I wanna do stuff! Like-"
</p>
<p>
 "Oh, no no no. That is not happening. You're not doing anything until you've gone to bed."
</p>
<p>
 "Aww," Karl whines. "Fiiine. But we're doing something tomorrow, you and me! Okay?"
</p>
<p>
 "Like what? What do you-"
</p>
<p>
"We'll go on a date!"
</p>
<p>
 "..Huh?" <em>Did I hear that right? </em>
</p>
<p>
"Take me on.. on a date? It'll be fun!" he says with a skewed grin. "You'll like it, right?"
</p>
<p>
 It's obviously nothing to worry about, but Sapnap is a little taken aback.
</p>
<p>
"Are you okay in the head right now?"
</p>
<p>
Karl slumps, disappointed. "What do you think?"
</p>
<p>
"Fair," Sapnap gives him the benefit of the doubt, "..sure, okay. Tomorrow." It's not a promise he intends on keeping, but Karl probably won't keep it either. If he even remembers, that is.
</p>
<p>
"Yay!" Karl hugs him even more tightly, arms squeezing uncomfortably into his ribs.. "I knew I could count on you."
</p>
<p>
Sapnap grins. It's a little endearing. "Yeah, okay then."
</p>
<p>
"I'm gonna.. gonna sleep now," he says, struggling to keep his eyes open, and Sapnap feels an odd sense of relief. As much as he loves his friend, he'd definitely rather have sober Karl back.
</p>
<p>
"Okay, good," he sighs. "Gnight, Karl. Sleep well."
</p>
<p>
"Sweet dreams," he says sleepily, snuggling into Sapnap's chest, and the room fills with a comfortable silence.
</p>
<p>
For a minute or so Sapnap just sits, arms wrapped around Karl's back, wondering quite how he got like this. At the very least, he's comfortable, and Karl probably won't ask questions tomorrow. This night will simply have never happened by the time it's over, and that will be that. No spontaneous date and no more Karl sleeping on his lap.
</p>
<p>
The sinking feeling in Sapnap's chest at that thought surprises him. As comfortable as this is, it's not like he'll ever have it again, so why worry? Why grasp for one more minute of the elder's head under his chin, chestnut hair brushing against his neck, breathing in time with him? It's a one time thing and it's only because Karl absolutely <em>insisted</em> and Sapnap is too weak to him to say no.
</p>
<p>
But maybe that's the problem. 
</p>
<p>
Yes, maybe there is something there. Just something small, kindling in his heart. Not big enough for anyone to notice except for him (yet).
</p>
<p>
"Do I like you like that, Karl?" he hears himself muse, quiet to the point where it's barely audible. 
</p>
<p>
The answer seems quite inevitable. Something tells him sleep won't shake it off of him. 
</p>
<p>
 ---
</p>
<p>
It's only when Sapnap awakes the next day, soft morning light greeting him through the half-open curtains framing his living room windows, that the position he's in properly hits him.
</p>
<p>At this point, Karl is still asleep, probably exhausted, and Sapnap is sitting here holding him against his chest, and there's something inside him that really, <em>really</em> likes it. It shouldn't necessarily mean anything to him (can one not cuddle their homies?) but… it does, a bit. 
</p>
<p>
Did Karl trust him enough to fall asleep holding him? Is that it?
</p>
<p>
<em>No</em>, he reminds himself, <em>the answer is that he was drunk</em>; but it would be nice if that was the case.
</p>
<p>
Brushing off the momentary vulnerability he feels, Sapnap leans back against the couch, already feeling hungry enough to make breakfast but not wanting to disturb the sleeping Karl. He could probably just close his eyes and succumb to one or two more hours of rest, but there's something so much more inviting about just sitting and letting the morning catch up to him. Karl's body heat keeps him warm, and that combined with the golden light the room is now bathed in provides a cozy atmosphere, undisturbed by sounds of cars or planes. It's the most peaceful he's been in awhile. 
</p>
<p>As the stillness surrounds them, Sapnap's mind begins to wander through the day ahead of him. After Karl wakes up, what will they do? He'll make breakfast (pancakes, maybe, if he can figure out how) for the both of them; drive around the neighborhood for awhile if he feels like it; check up on their other friends, call them if they're around. 
</p>
<p>He'll drop Karl back at his house if he wants to go, although Sapnap has to admit he doesn't want him to, not just yet. At the very least, five more minutes with just this would be nice; the comfort of the morning takes the restless edge off his mind and he finds it so much easier to exist in this moment than any other.
</p>
<p>Without really meaning them to, his fingers run through Karl's hair, warm brown curls brushing against his knuckles. The pale dawn light shines through his locks, bringing out faint orange and gold hues normally trapped beneath shadows and artificial light. Suddenly, whatever train of thought Sapnap was taking is lost to the colours.
</p>
<p>Karl is good at doing that to him. He has been for a long time.
</p>
<p>Suddenly, as if he's sensed that someone is thinking about him, Karl shifts on Sapnap's lap, head lifting from the crook of his neck just enough that he's able to look around. He's awake, but groggy, and Sapnap feels himself freeze wondering <em>exactly</em> how he'll take it.
</p>
<p>"...huh?"
</p>
<p>He peers up at Sapnap, obviously disconcerted.
</p>
<p>"Morning," he says, unsure of where to take this. "Took you long enough to wake up."
</p>
<p>"Was I asleep for that long? Hold on, why am I-? What the fuck?"
</p>
<p>
Seemingly, his senses have kicked in. A second later, the warmth disappears as he falls backward onto the remaining empty space on the sofa.
</p>
<p>Sapnap deflates a bit. He was getting comfortably used to having someone in his arms.
</p>
<p>"Sapnap," Karl says, looking at him with a slight bewilderment as he rubs sleep out of his eyes, "what happened? I don't remember."
</p>
<p>"You're okay," he assures him, hoping beyond hope that he's not weirded out. "You probably don't remember because you were drunk last night."
</p>
<p>A soft "oh" of realisation escapes him, "<em>oh</em>, oh okay, so is that why I was-" He gestures to Sapnap and then back at himself, trying without words to explain himself.
</p>
<p>"Yeah."
</p>
<p>"Shit, dude," Karl runs a hand through his hair - the same place that Sapap had touched just moments ago. "I'm really- I mean, what did I..?"
</p>
<p>
"Nothing big," Sapnap lets himself laugh. "Don't worry. You were mainly just really stupid and clumsy. Like usual."
</p>
<p>
Karl groans. "I don't even remember why I was drinking-" 
</p>
<p>
"That's good, right?"
</p>
<p>
"I don't think that's how that works." He laughs nervously. "I didn't… didn't say anything, did I? Nothing out of the ordinary?"
</p>
<p>
Recalling the events of the previous night, Sapnap finds himself torn between telling the truth and avoiding it altogether. He isn't sure how his friend would feel about the answer, but he'd rather die than keep something from him if he wants to know.
</p>
<p>
"It was a little weird," he confesses. "Just a bit." 
</p>
<p>
"Like what kind of weird?"
</p>
<p>
"You just," Sapnap starts, and before he knows it he's laughing. Karl gives him a slightly concerned look, but the furrow in his brow lessens a little despite his best effort to keep a serious face. 
</p>
<p>
"What <em>is</em> it, come on-" 
</p>
<p>
"..you kept calling me cute and stuff, and-" 
</p>
<p>
"Oh my god." Karl shoves his face into his hands. "Well, that's just great." 
</p>
<p>
"It's not a big deal!" Sapnap urges him. "Although you did sit on top of me at one point and kinda… fell asleep in my arms and it was-" <em>It was nice</em>. "it was… fine, I guess."
</p>
<p>
"Alright, well," Karl mumbles, and Sapnap thinks he catches a glimpse of red on his cheeks, but he could well have imagined it. "Nothing else?"
</p>
<p>
Not really… oh, no, you asked me on a date at some point too. So that's scheduled for today-" 
</p>
<p>
"Sapnap!" 
</p>
<p>
"I'm serious," he laughs; a strangely humourous embarrassment making him realise the bizarreness of the situation. "Promise. You asked, and I said yeah, sure, so-"
</p>
<p>
"God." He still hasn't met Sapnap's eyes directly again. "This is really weird on my part, I'm sorry-" 
</p>
<p>
"It's okay," Sapnap nudges him with a shoulder, the closest he might ever get to holding him again. "I'm not upset or anything, I get that you weren't in the best state of mind last night. No judgement here." 
</p>
<p>
"No judgement," Karl repeats the words back to him, and slowly the perplexion disappears from his expression. "Okay, gotcha." 
</p>
<p>
The words slip from Sapnap's mouth before he can stop them; "so what about that date then, huh?" 
</p>
<p>
"Okay, <em>come on</em>, you're kidding," Karl slaps him on the arm, hard. "You're actually-" 
</p>
<p>
"I'm not if you want to go," he says, and the touch of sincerity hidden behind layers of well-crafted, sarcastic jokes breaks the surface. Him and Karl are both well-used to making those jokes, laughing about stupid things like relationships and dating and the ups and downs of it all. It's a reoccurring theme in their friendship.
</p>
<p>
But sometimes it's less of a joke than Sapnap makes it out to be.
</p>
<p>
Karl falls silent, and Sapnap can tell he wants to say something, though what it is exactly would be lost on him.
</p>
<p>
"Okay," he says after a second. "Where do you want to go?"
</p>
<p>
"You… mean it?" 
</p>
<p>
"Well, you did, didn't you?" 
</p>
<p>
Sapnap nods. If Karl <em>really</em> wants to do this, if he's being serious… 
</p>
<p>
"I'll plan something for tonight then. Okay?" 
</p>
<p>
A shy sort of smile eases itself onto Karl's face. 
</p>
<p>
"This," he says, eyes flicking up to Sapnap's own and then back to his hands, "is not how I was planning to spend my day." 
</p>
<p>
"Well, I didn't ask for you drunk on my doorstep either." 
</p>
<p>
There's a beat of silence, then as if cued to do so, they both break into laughter, Karl's giggles sending warmth cascading up his body and into his chest like a hot fan just got put on full blast. The moment is light and easy to live in, and Sapnap finds himself chuckling long after their momentary joy has subsided. 
</p>
<p>
Maybe it's just because him and Karl are <em>actually</em> going on a date later (and as much as he told himself he'd say no, he's <em>really</em> looking forward to it). But maybe it's just because he has the other here, next to him, one of his goofy smiles tumbling all over his cheeks, and that's all he really wants. 
</p>
<p>
There's something comfortable in accepting the way he feels; in recognizing it, acknowledging the push and pull of his heartstrings and how no matter what they're always connected to Karl. Indifference is something Sapnap has always hated, and he's known for probably as long as he's known Karl that he <em>can't</em> be indifferent around him. Especially not towards his own feelings. 
</p>
<p>
Either way, he's glad to be at peace with it, and maybe he'll get a chance to do something about it now - who knows? Is the upcoming date an opportunity, or just another memory in a series of days spent with Karl? Will it awaken something in his friend, or is that an unattainable hope? Can he even bother to worry about someone's feelings when they aren't his own?
</p>
<p>
Does any of this mean something? 
</p>
<p>
No, <em>obviously</em> not. A date means nothing at all. 
</p>
<p>
But to Sapnap, maybe nothing is enough.
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The night is cold, Sapnap is warm, and Karl comes to a conclusion.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello! quick trigger warning for anxiety attacks (right at the end of the chapter) - i assume you've read the tags and i think this is an instance where a lot of the heavier ones show up, so just know what you're in for i guess. apart from that, enjoy! this is a bit of a longer one, but not by too much :]</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>POV: Karl</strong>
</p><p>Cold tiles under socked feet and glaring sunlight through windows make up the majority of Karl's day, an uneventful contrast to the barely-memorable events of the previous night. After being dropped home from Sapnap's house, Sapnap absolutely <em>insisting</em> that he would be the one to drive "just in case", Karl has spent his time unwinding, mainly sleeping and wandering the half-lit hallways of his house. The time has passed him by quickly, and whether to be thankful or not for it is a fate he has yet to decide. </p><p>If he's being honest, Karl is more on-edge right now than he has been in a long time, and although the deprival of sleep definitely counts for something, he can't shake the thought that it might be something else, too. Such as, he supposes, the elephant in the room - his upcoming date with Sapnap. </p><p><em>Can he call it a date?</em> That's what they'd agreed on, after all, but Karl is hesitant. Perhaps it's because of the things he (supposedly) said last night, the way Sapnap had recited it all with a certain fondness he can't quite place. The fact that he can't even <em>remember</em> any of it, let alone why he was in that situation in the first place, doesn't make things any better. Although Sapnap's filled him in on what he said and did, and it wasn't anything harmful at all, it still makes a restless feeling swirl in his stomach, a subtle awareness that he <em>could</em> have said more. </p><p>And now they're going on a… date(?) and Karl shouldn't be so damn nervous about it, but he is. <em>Don't be stupid</em>, he's told himself time and time again. <em>You hang out with Sapnap one on one lots, what makes this any different? </em></p><p>It's the uncertain, unpredictable label of <em>date</em> that makes it so different, even though it shouldn't, and there's no reason for it to be. Sapnap won't take it at anything beyond face level, judging how easily he took the idea into consideration, so why should Karl? </p><p>He shouldn't, that's the answer, and yet. </p><p>Yet he does.  </p><p>Despite the fact that he's slightly anxious, Karl is trying his best to look forward to the whole ordeal too - he's going somewhere with his friend, it'll surely be fun. Besides, Sapnap looked so eager to make him happy, he can't just shut him down. So, setting aside his worries as best he can, he's developed a determined resolve to have as much fun as possible, just like he always does.</p><p>Waiting out the afternoon, Karl begins to wonder exactly <em>when</em> Sapnap's planned to do this, and what he has in mind. He's fully expecting to get a text of some kind, keeping his phone on him, constantly on alert for a little notification indicating that he's figured something out. </p><p>But nothing comes, not for awhile, and Karl forces himself to realise that maybe he was just joking after all. </p><p>He doesn't know whether to be upset or relieved. </p><p>By 8pm, he's considering just winding down for the night and making dinner; getting some proper sleep again might do him some good. It's a bit of a let-down, but he figures he should've counted on Sapnap to be the humorous type… even though he really <em>did</em> seem serious. <em>Maybe he was, and he just changed his mind?</em> Karl doesn't really know, because he's usually on top of plans, enough that the both of them at least understand what's going on. Maybe not today, though. </p><p>Not today. </p><p>It's with a slightly dejected resignation that he decides to get ready for bed, preparing to sleep early - when a loud knock on the door makes him freeze halfway through getting out a packet of ramen. </p><p>He almost laughs with relief; of <em>course</em> Sapnap wasn't joking, of course he wasn't. Sliding across the wooden hallway, still in the same old socks and rumpled clothes, Karl allows the door to fly open at his touch and reveal his friend standing on the other side. </p><p>"You showed up," he says, and Sapnap gives him a grin. </p><p>"Course I did. You didn't think I just wasn't gonna come, right?" </p><p>"I kinda did?" He jabs Sapnap in the shoulder as he makes his way across the front doorstep and into the house. "I still don't even know what you have <em>planned</em>, man, you can't just leave me hanging like that." </p><p>"You're right, you're right," Sapnap admits. "It's.. totally my bad, I'm sorry. I wanted to do something nice, I guess." </p><p>He's flattered. "You really didn't have to, you know? This isn't even something you needed to tell me about, I totally would've forgotten-" </p><p>Sapnap hushes him, "Shush! We're gonna have fun, it's been awhile since we hung out anyways. Might as well, right?" </p><p>"Might as well," Karl echoes. "Alright, what are we doing?" </p><p>"I'll show you when we get there, yeah?" </p><p>"Are you <em>sure</em> you actually planned anything-"</p><p>"Come on, Karl, I wouldn't leave it up to the last minute," he scoffs. "What do you take me for?" </p><p>"You would," he mutters with a grin. Sapnap slaps him on the back. "Ow!" </p><p>"Bitch." </p><p>"All I'm <em>saying</em> is-" </p><p>"Okay, okay," he laughs. "You got me. Were you gonna go and change clothes?" </p><p>"I guess that's a good idea - alright, give me one minute." </p><p>Karl disappears into his bedroom, waving behind him at Sapnap until he's vanished from sight. He's filled with a nervous anticipation that surprises him greatly, not that he's about to take it for granted. Getting dressed as quickly as he can, he pulls on a favourite striped sweater and some jeans and zips back out of the room within a few minutes. </p><p>"Alright!" he says, refreshed. "Are we gonna go now?"</p><p>Sapnap blinks. "That was fast as fuck." </p><p>"Yeah, I'm speedy." He claps his hands. "Are we going though?" </p><p>"Oh, yeah! Come on, I'm parked just outside." </p><p>In a few steps, they're out the door, which shuts behind them as they go. </p><p>"So actually," Karl says to the back of Sapnap's head as they walk down the driveway, "where are we going? You haven't told me anything." </p><p>"It's a surprise!" he insists. "You'll know when we get there." </p><p>"That's- okay, alright, you're kinda scaring me here." </p><p>"Don't be scared!" he says, shooting Karl a smile over his shoulder as they get into the car. </p><p>"You're being really-" </p><p>"Don't <em>worry</em> Karl! You'll like it. I know you will." </p><p>They set off down the road, Sapnap turns on some random radio station as they pull out of the driveway, and the conversation is light and casual just as always. Karl's missed this; he always does, but it feels like it's been far too long since they last hung out. Not so long ago they'd drive down to a park for the day or spend hours on end at one of their houses, but between one thing and another, meetings have slowly become infrequent. Life just seems to move too fast.</p><p>"Why won't you tell me where we're going?" Karl presses him. "I'd <em>better</em> be blown away by this." </p><p>"I just want to see how you react! It's nothing, really." </p><p>"Then-" he lets out a huff of confusion. "Okay, mystery man." </p><p>Sapnap laughs, and Karl resigns himself to the unknown. It can't be <em>that</em> bad. </p><p>"So are we close?" </p><p>"Yup, we should be there in five minutes," he says, glancing in the rear view mirror briefly. "But…" his face falls, "we missed the sunset." </p><p>"You wanted to see it?" </p><p>"I did," Sapnap says, a little sadly. "They're pretty around this time of year, like between autumn and winter." </p><p>He cocks his head. "What makes them so different to normal?" </p><p>"I actually… I have no idea."</p><p>Karl snorts. "Riveting." </p><p>"I'm doing my best here, okay?" Sapnap tries to shove him with his shoulder, but with hands still firmly on the steering wheel, he ends up failing rather miserably; Karl can't help laughing. "Shut <em>up,</em> it's not funny." </p><p>Karl rolls his eyes. "Well, humour is <em>subjective</em>, Sap-" </p><p>Now it's Sapnap's turn to laugh - it softens his eyes, any remnants of gloom fading from his face. "You're a weirdo, Karl. Such a weirdo." </p><p>"Yeah, and you're-" </p><p>Sapnap clears his throat very loudly. "Hey, Karl, look! We're here now." </p><p>Before Karl can retaliate, he's already disappeared out of the vehicle, and all he can do is smile before following him out into the night. </p><p>The cool air hits his face with a startling impact as he steps out onto gravelly dirt - they've parked up on a path supposedly a little ways away from their actual destination. It doesn't do much to tell Karl what he's here for, only adding to the vagueness of the situation. A few trees, almost completely cast into shadow by the darkness, stand tall behind them. Ahead, an almost-deserted park stretches for yards and yards. </p><p>Sapnap ducks out from behind the car, a rather large and impractical basket slung over his shoulder. </p><p>"Karl!" he says, waving awkwardly at him and causing the basket to slip from his grip. He barely catches it, and Karl resists the urge to laugh. "Fuck, I got it. Let's go-" </p><p>"Why do you… why do you have that?"</p><p>"Oh, I got us food! I thought you'd probably be hungry." </p><p>"No <em>kidding</em>," he agrees, noticing the way his stomach rumbles. "I had no idea you'd thought that far ahead." </p><p>"Kinda rude," Sapnap says, furrowing an eyebrow. "Do you not think I'm considerate-" </p><p>"You're not <em>that</em> considerate." </p><p>"Yeah, and we're not on a date that <em>I</em> organized right now because I wanted you to have fun." His voice glows with a playful, irritated sarcasm, and Karl realises he can't win this one. </p><p>"Oh dang it, you're right." </p><p>"I'm always right," he insists, and before he can be convinced otherwise he's pointed them in the direction of the eerily-silent park. "Now, look this way! We're gonna go down there, okay?" </p><p>"We're gonna what?" </p><p>"Yeah, the park! Down <em>there</em>," he points again, this time quite exaggerated, so that Karl can't possibly miss it. </p><p>"We're going to the park?" Karl blinks, suddenly aware that he's still leaning against the dusty car. Cold metal presses against his spine, and he draws instinctively away. </p><p>Sapnap, meanwhile, fumbles with the basket, seemingly lost in his own world. "Where did you think we were going?" </p><p>"I don't know, somewhere <em>not</em> freezing." </p><p>"You're literally wearing a sweater," Sapnap says, "so don't try to say you won't be fine. Come on!" </p><p>And with a tug of his sleeve, Karl finds himself being pulled away, rocks gathering around the soles of his shoes and digging into his feet as he struggles to find his balance. </p><p>They reach the park, full of benches and grassy fields that fill up the distance. Under the moonlight, the entire place looks silvery-blue and green, and Karl can see moonlit shapes falling across his hands where the outlines of distant branches cast their shadows. </p><p>"Look how empty it is, Karl," Sapnap says eagerly, turning to him once more once they've gathered around an old wooden bench. He lets the basket drape from his shoulder, entire face gleaming suddenly with lights. </p><p>"It's kinda obvious," he says, "but.. yeah, sure is empty. Why here?" </p><p>"It's nice, what do you mean why here?" His face falls. "This is one of my favourite places, I thought-" </p><p>"I do like it!" Karl says. "I never said I didn't." </p><p>"I thought it would be fun," he mumbles, falling into a sulk. </p><p>"You're dumb," Karl says, grabbing the basket from his hands. When Sapnap holds onto it even more tightly, he can't help laughing. "You know I'll enjoy it here, stupid, come on! No need to ruin the mood like that." </p><p>"Okay," Sapnap groans, drawing out the 'a' sound. "Thought you'd be more excited. Or whatever." His arms are folded, but Karl doesn't miss the liveliness in his eyes as he reluctantly lets the basket go. </p><p>"I <em>am,</em> stupid idiot, I always am. Let's eat, okay? I'm hungry." </p><p>Admitting defeat, Sapnap ruffles his hair and falls down onto the damp grass beneath their feet. Karl squints at him, and the white light blurs around the edges of his vision. </p><p>"Why down there?" </p><p>"Come join me!" He pats the ground, and with a moment's reluctance, Karl joins him. The dewdrops sink into the fabric of his jeans, almost bitingly cold, and he wonders how often Sapnap must've been here that he no longer reacts. Something inside him wonders why <em>he's</em> never been here, either, if it's a favourite of his friend's. </p><p>"Not so bad, right?"</p><p>"Right, yeah." Now preoccupied with the basket, Karl opens it to find a couple boxes of pizza - probably cold now, but pizza is pizza. "Oh, thank god! I'm so hungry." </p><p>"Me too," Sapnap says, already grabbing a piece from the top box in the stack and digging into it. "I wasn't sure if you were gonna want to eat-" </p><p>"You're joking, right?" Karl pushes him just hard enough that he almost falls backwards. </p><p>"<em>Karl!</em>" he cries, but he's smiling despite himself. "Let me eat in peace, damnit." </p><p>Karl grabs a plain slice - probably just cheese, it's too dark to tell - and tears off a piece with his teeth. Sure enough, the temperature is far from hot, but that's a given at this point. He's thankful. </p><p>"It's so cold," Sapnap mutters with a shiver; he's wearing a coat, but it's light enough that it probably doesn't make a difference. Karl pulls the fabric of his sweater, an old red and blue striped one, closer around himself. It certainly is cold. </p><p>"Yeah," he says, "very. It's almost winter, can you believe that?" </p><p>"Unbelievable," says Sapnap, "and soon it'll literally be the end of the year." </p><p>"I bet you spent it doing nothing, huh." </p><p>"Did not," he retorts, swallowing the mouthful he's chewing. "I bet you don't even notice the winter because you wear so many layers of clothes. You're not even cold right now, are you?" </p><p>"I am, not as cold as your <em>heart</em> though-" </p><p>Sapnap fakes a shocked expression, sending Karl into a fit of giggles that he tries very hard to hide. "Wow, I can't believe you'd say that," he says, mock-offended. </p><p>"I <em>would</em> say that, come on." Karl says between chirps of laughter. Sapnap just rolls his eyes. "Anyways, I at least should've brought a jacket or two. The sweaters aren't that warm, you know that?" </p><p>"They should be. They look like they give you sunburn just by having them on." </p><p>"They're <em>comfortable</em>, Sapnap." </p><p>"Sure they are." </p><p>They bicker back and forth for quite awhile about the state of Karl's fashion sense, not that he thinks Sapnap is in any state to criticize it himself. As the time passes by, the pizza and the air grow increasingly cold, but he doesn't mind, even though he's sure his fingers will eventually go numb. The conversation comes and goes, easy and free. The night feels welcoming and warm despite the fact that it's freezing, and Sapnap's smile has barely left his face. He's vibrant, open, soaking up the moon. </p><p>Karl finds himself a little inclined to stare. He probably shouldn't, he reminds himself, growing anxious at the thought of getting too lost in his eyes for reasons he's quite unsure of. </p><p>"I still can't believe you decided to randomly drive to my house without even telling me," he decides to resume the conversation with, distracting himself from the way his heartbeat picks up every minute. "That's such a bad way of planning stuff." </p><p>"It worked out <em>fine,</em> Karl, don't be like that!" Sapnap rolls his eyes. "I'm better than George and Dream, you can't deny that. They don't even have cars, did I tell you about the time we planned a meetup and they weren't able to come-" </p><p>"Pfft, I'll reconsider your stupidity for a second." </p><p>"See! I'm <em>completely</em> rational here." He leans back on his hands, staring up at the moon with satisfaction. "You can't flame me for being a little disorganized." </p><p>"Oh-" he starts, and stops. </p><p>A new breeze ripples through Sapnap's hair, blowing into his face and eyes, and Karl's mouth falls open at the sight. His hands dig into the dirt, lounging ever so casually in the autumn night. Green, silver, teal. He's <em>not</em> cute, Karl tells himself, just… </p><p>"Cat got your tongue?" Sapnap tilts his head on its side, eyes glinting slightly mischievously. </p><p>Okay, maybe he is, a bit. </p><p>
  <em>No, I can't think that. I can't. </em>
</p><p>"Sorry," he says hastily, "it's nothing! Just got distracted." </p><p>"You can say you were admiring me, Karl, it's okay-" </p><p>"No I wasn't!" </p><p>"Sure you weren't." </p><p>Through protests that Sapnap ignores with a wave of the hand, Karl knows he's fighting a losing battle with this one, though he'll never admit that he was admiring Sapnap a little bit. </p><p><em>Because I wasn't,</em> he points out firmly to himself. </p><p>It's nothing, even if he was, though. People can admire their friends and say that <em>yes</em>, they are attractive, and it doesn't mean anything. Karl does that all the time. </p><p>So however enchanted he might be by Sapnap, the way he shines under the moon, the way he's so magical that Karl can't believe he's just sitting there, that doesn't mean anything. It <em>shouldn't</em> mean anything, and god forbid it does. </p><p>But it won't. No matter what… probably. </p><p>Just in case, just to make sure everything goes to plan, Karl tells himself right then and there <em>not</em> to fall in love. </p><p>--- </p><p>They drive home. The windows, though they leave Karl's face chilled, remain open, rolled down midway to let the air in. Sapnap hums in tune with the creaking trees and the radio, holding the steering wheel tightly, and still Karl watches him out of the corner of his eye. He's smiling - he's smiled so <em>much</em> tonight, hasn't he? </p><p>Karl likes it. He likes <em>him.</em></p><p><em>No, I don't</em>, he thinks, before remembering that he does and it's perfectly normal and not weird to like your best friend because that's literally what they're there for. </p><p>"Drunk Karl is happy now then," Sapnap comments as they round another corner. "You think you would've liked this last night?" </p><p>"I don't know," Karl says with a laugh. "Maybe. I think I like more exciting things when I'm drunk, I dunno." </p><p>"What's not exciting about <em>pizza</em>, Karl?" </p><p>He runs his hand over the smooth window. "A lot of things." </p><p>"Personally, I think it's very exciting." </p><p>Karl contemplates it. "Pizza," he says, "is one of the most ordinary treasures the world has to offer."</p><p>Sapnap nods, whether in approval or not he can't quite tell. "Well, you can't tell me you didn't like it." </p><p>"I did," he says, "I liked all of tonight. I liked it more than I thought I would." </p><p>"You did?" </p><p>It seems obvious. Is it? </p><p>"Yeah." </p><p>A soft light seems to bloom from somewhere within him, and Sapnap turns to him with his shadowy face alight in the dark, and quite suddenly Karl <em>glows</em>. Against his will, the light turns on and off in his chest, and he can't get it to stay dark. </p><p>"I'm glad," Sapnap murmurs. </p><p>"Me too." </p><p>It's a starry, never-ending glow that shudders and flickers like a flame inside of him. Can Sapnap see it, too? Does he know that he lights up everyone he touches? </p><p>Sapnap taps on the steering wheel. "We'll be home soon."  </p><p>"Mm," Karl replies, absentminded. "Alright." </p><p>"You okay?" </p><p>Karl thinks that somehow, he's never been more and less okay than he is right now. It hurts, just a little bit, to glow, and he can't <em>stop.</em></p><p>"..Yes." </p><p>His face is lined with suspicion. "Are you, Karl?" </p><p>"I am!" he says, but he becomes so incredibly sure and unsure all at once as the words leave his lips that he doesn't really know anymore. "I think I am. I might just be cold. And tired." </p><p>"You might be," he says. "We don't have long until you're back, though, you'll be fine. Hang in there?" </p><p>Karl's fingers lock together. They're shaking. <em>Why are they shaking?</em></p><p>"Mhm." </p><p>"Karl?" </p><p>His heart beats. "What?" </p><p>"I'm glad you had fun. I did too." </p><p>"That's good! Really good!" He offers a smile. "I know if it were me, I'd want to make things as fun for the other person as I could. I'm happy that you did the same." </p><p>"You're cute," Sapnap says, quietly. </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Oh, nothing." </p><p>Karl's cheeks grow warm. Something tells him he wasn't supposed to hear that. </p><p>But he did. He did hear it, intimate and soft, touching a part of his soul like nothing else can. He heard the way he'd said it. Too close, too <em>real</em>, for comfort. </p><p>Karl breathes out. He can feel himself shake.</p><p>He looks at Sapnap once more, <em>really</em> looks at him, and through blurred thoughts that he can't make sense of, he <em>feels</em>. He shouldn't be allowed to feel anything, he thinks, especially not this. But it seems that he only has one choice, and that's to succumb to his heart, whatever it's telling him.  </p><p>He thinks of the promise he told himself, and without a second thought (though he knows he'll regret it), takes it back. </p><p>---</p><p>The front door shuts behind him. </p><p>Standing in the hallway with lamplights ghosting across his face, Karl can feel his heart pound. <em>What was that?</em> </p><p>Kicking off his shoes, he plummets what feels like hundreds of feet onto the polished wood floors, swaying back and forth with the now-absent wind. Down, down, down the hallway he goes, letting the weight of his fatigue catch up to him as he walks in the direction of his room. He needs sleep, now. </p><p><em>Sapnap said I fell asleep on him,</em> he thinks, and chooses to ignore it. </p><p>Karl slides down against his bedroom door as he shuts it behind him, and the darkness sinks into his eyelids like water. He sees, through shadowy shapes, Sapnap's face in his mind's eye. Shining with the moonlight, setting his heart aglow. What does that <em>mean</em>? Why does his heart glow? </p><p>He thinks about it, mulling it all over, trying to get to the core of it. The way he felt tonight, the way he still does. What <em>is</em> that? When he looked at Sapnap and everything seemed to spin, when even the most meaningless thing he did sent shivers through his body, why did he feel that way? Was it such a coincidence that faint traces of longing passed through him between shared moments? </p><p>Karl lets it rise to the surface of his mind. He isn't sure he wants to know. </p><p>But he has to, right? </p><p>He lifts his head to observe silhouettes of a bed, of curtains, of a laundry basket he has yet to clean, and dares to dream that Sapnap is more than a friend to him. That maybe what he feels isn't just friendly admiration, but instead more. </p><p>He <em>can't.</em> </p><p>No. <em>No, it can't be.</em> </p><p>Karl realises, as he thinks it, that it's true.</p><p>The world skids to a halt, sending him flying into orbit, and he floats into space, and he suffocates. </p><p>"Fuck," he whispers. "No."  </p><p>His head begins to pound, heart thumping hard along with it, and the breath leaves his lungs with a rush. It floods his chest with icy cold fear, reaching up into his throat and stealing the oxygen trapped there, and all at once it's like he's being choked and he can't <em>do</em> anything. <em>Breathe, Karl,</em> he thinks, but he <em>can't.</em></p><p>The coldness doesn't stop at his throat - it descends across his body and renders him motionless, afraid, except for the way he's uncontrollably shaking. He gulps for air. It doesn't come. He's drowning. </p><p>Rocking back and forth, hoping it'll calm him, Karl tries so desperately to clutch onto hope, but all he can feel and see and hear is <em>dark</em> and <em>suffocate</em> and <em>no, no, no</em>. His hands dig desperately into the carpet, pulling at strands that come apart underneath his fingernails, and teeth dig into his lip so hard that it bleeds. He can taste the metallic blood in his mouth. Tears, thick and salty, well in his eyes. His chest tightens.</p><p>Nausea threatens to overwhelm him. Everything swirls. His hands tremble. </p><p>Alone, afraid, Karl chokes out sobs. </p><p>Minutes pass, and minutes feel like hours but he knows he can't have been here that long. Everything hurts, like he's being stabbed ruthlessly in the chest and the lungs over and over and <em>over</em> again and there's absolutely nothing he can do. Time seems to have slowed down tenfold, and he isn't sure if he's going to pass out or sink into nothingness and die, or what's even going to happen to him anymore. </p><p>He yearns for Sapnap's warm touch, and he hates himself for it. </p><p>Through shivers, Karl eventually begins to make out some speck of hope. The shaking slows enough for him to gain control of his hands again, and the chills running through him lessen. The nausea still remains, but he isn't about to vomit or pass out anymore, and the minutes seem to return to a normal pace. Agony fades into clouded, distant clarity. </p><p>Slowly, achingly, Karl breathes. </p><p>The world catches up to him and he lies back down upon it once more, as if he's resting his cheeks against dirt and grass and wet pavement. He keeps his eyes firmly shut, and a few remaining tears spill past his eyelashes. </p><p>But the problem still remains. </p><p><em>I'm in love with Sapnap</em>, he realises, and it occurs to him that he's never stopped realising it ever since he started. <em>I'm in love with… my best friend.</em></p><p><em>My best friend</em>, he repeats, and then for good measure, he says it out loud. </p><p>"My… best friend." </p><p>Karl's voice splits in two as he speaks. His heart follows. </p><p><em>I can't be,</em> he tells himself, because he's never been in love like that before. </p><p>He's never loved a boy before. He's never loved his best friend before. Let alone <em>both.</em> </p><p>It's scary. </p><p>"Fuck," he whispers again, because it's all he knows how to do, "fuck, <em>fuck you</em>, Karl." He tastes the tears, mingling with the remnants of blood on his tongue. They taste like regret. </p><p>With a sigh full of words he cannot say, Karl tugs at the collar of his sweater, feeling the way it hangs loose around his neck. He can't tell anyone, can he? <em>No, of course not. This isn't allowed.</em></p><p>Sapnap's smile feels like it's sticking to him, coating him all over in bittersweet. His cheeks are probably red again, and he wonders if Sapnap notices the way he blushes when their eyes meet. </p><p>
  <em>He's going to fucking hate me, huh? </em>
</p><p>Unsure of what to do or feel anymore, Karl rolls over onto his side, still leaning against his door, and pulls the phone from his pocket. Can he risk texting Sapnap? He's always the one Karl goes to when he feels alone or scared, but that's not an option, is it? <em>I can't let him know. </em></p><p>At the very least, company would be nice, but he doesn't even manage to unlock his phone before a sudden tiredness rolls over him in waves. </p><p><em>Sleep,</em> he remembers. <em>I have to do that.</em> </p><p>He's incredibly thankful that he can't recall what Sapnap's arms feel like, or he thinks he might never sleep again if not in his embrace.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>@minecrftbees on twitter dot com </p><p>thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Between hands that brush together and sleepy nights, Sapnap only falls deeper.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry for the inconsistent updates LMAO but hey!! we're back!! chapter three took longer than expected but that's okay i think it turned out pretty okay! this one takes more of a simple approach compared to the last two, more about feelings and ideas than any noticeable action. i like that kind of writing though tbh so!! hopefully you do too :] enjoy lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>POV: Sapnap</strong>
</p>
<p>It's 4 in the morning when Sapnap's phone rings through his sleep. </p>
<p>He'd thought that tonight, maybe he'd be able to sleep peacefully, but as is typical of Karl, he's decided to ring at an entirely impractical time yet again. It must be his new favourite thing, seeing if his friends are awake during the latest hours, maybe coming up with something to bother them with. Sapnap <em>really</em> hopes that he's at least not drunk again; he can't deal with that two nights in a row. Not that he would ever hang up or push Karl aside, even if he was, no matter how annoying he found it. </p>
<p>No, there's no way in hell he'd ever do that. Karl has always come first, before everything, though he doesn't let it show. </p>
<p>Sapnap knows all too well by now that there's a reason for that. </p>
<p>With an irritation that he'll never get tired of, he sets aside a couple more hours of rest to pick up. <em>Surely,</em> he thinks, <em>it's not for no reason,</em> and maybe he'll end up enjoying himself anyways. </p>
<p>"Karl?" </p>
<p>"Sap," he hears him say, "hi!" </p>
<p>"It's so late," he mumbles, fully aware that his voice sounds rough and tired. "You really gotta go to sleep earlier, y'know?" </p>
<p>Karl contemplates it. "No, I don't think I will."</p>
<p>Too tired to argue, Sapnap just groans and lets him have his ways. "What are you gonna do then?" </p>
<p>"I dunno, I mean, I was gonna talk to you." </p>
<p><em>No more sleep for me, then, I guess</em>. "Sure, okay! Talk to me." </p>
<p>"You're not gonna go back to bed?" </p>
<p>"Not anymore," he says, "if you wanna talk, then that's what we're gonna do. It's not like I have anything to do tomorrow anyways." </p>
<p>Seemingly satisfied, Karl hums. "Mkay, sounds like a plan." As an afterthought; "My sleep schedule's all messed up now." </p>
<p>"Well," Sapnap shrugs, "you have time to fix it! So long as you <em>do</em> actually fix it." </p>
<p>"Hmm, yeah, I guess I have to do that." </p>
<p>Sapnap throws off his covers all at once, shaking his head to clear it of its sleepy fog. "I'm gonna make tea, okay? We'll have a drink." </p>
<p>Karl lets out a scoffed laugh. "You know I can't… drink the tea, right?" </p>
<p>"I didn't mean I was gonna make it for you, dumbass. I'm making it for me." </p>
<p>"It sounded like you wanted me to drink something too?"</p>
<p>Yawning, he makes his way out of the dark bedroom. "It was metaphorical-" </p>
<p>His laughter resumes; he sounds pretty even when he's tired, Sapnap notices. "I don't know what you're talking about, man. Just go make your tea." </p>
<p>Walking down the stairs with his phone clutched in one hand, Sapnap is careful not to trip over any loose spots of carpet on his way to the bottom floor. Flicking on a light switch in the kitchen, he decides to check out a nearby cupboard, pulling out some generic black tea he's probably never had before. He's disrupted, however, by a loud clunk from the other end. </p>
<p>"You okay?" he says uncertainly. </p>
<p>"What? Yes! I'm fine. I was like, getting a monster energy out of my fridge and I knocked over the-" There's another clunk. "Shoot. I'm gonna put my phone down."</p>
<p>Disregarding Karl's slight misfortunes, Sapnap instead turns his attention to the less-than-healthy energy drink he's choosing to consume. "Monster energy? At four in the morning. <em>Karl</em>-" </p>
<p>"Yeah, yeah. Bad for my health or whatever." </p>
<p>He sighs. "It kinda is." </p>
<p>"I'll live, Sap, trust me. I take care of myself when I need to." </p>
<p>"I'd take better care of you," Sapnap protests, and a million different scenarios jump to his mind (because the truth is that he <em>really</em> wants that). If he could, he'd make Karl soup if he ever got sick, and keep close to him so that he knew he was safe even when it wasn't necessary. He'd stay up with him, if he needed, to make sure that he got good sleep every night - and if he didn't, at the very least they'd be together. </p>
<p><em>Maybe, he'd fall asleep in my arms again,</em> he thinks. <em>That would be nice.</em></p>
<p>"I can take care of myself," Karl says defensively. "I don't need you." </p>
<p>Pinpricks of hurt stab at his chest. "You don't?" </p>
<p>"Well," he backtracks, "that's… that's not quite true. But it doesn't mean I need you all over me." </p>
<p>"Come on," he says persistently, finally getting out a mug and a teabag, "you wouldn't mind so much, would you?" </p>
<p>"Uh.." For a moment, he seems to hover between answers. "No, I'd mind. I don't want that."</p>
<p>
  <em>Well, there goes that. </em>
</p>
<p>Not saying much, Sapnap watches the tap dispense its boiling water, steam blowing into his face and clouding his vision. The mug is hot and his fingers don't exactly appreciate it, but he's too tired to pay it much mind. </p>
<p>"Did you get your monster?" </p>
<p>"Yeah, I got it. No more sleep for me tonight." <br/>He laughs, as if the idea is amusing. "That's two nights in a row. Huh." </p>
<p>"Both because of me," he points out. </p>
<p>Sapnap hears him inhale sharply. "What?"</p>
<p>"Cause of me," he says again with a slight grin. </p>
<p>"...Okay? Why does it matter?" </p>
<p>His voice is suddenly guarded, tense; he's on edge now, for some unidentifiable reason. As much as he doesn't want to be, Sapnap is shaken by his sudden change in tone. </p>
<p>"It doesn't," he says, careful to remain friendly-sounding, not too anxious, "I didn't think you cared." </p>
<p>"I… don't," Karl says. Sapnap spots the lie without a second thought. </p>
<p>"It's alright," he assures him, now taking a sip of tea which scalds his mouth, "you don't have to be like that. I never said it was a bad thing." </p>
<p>"Sorry, I'm tired, I didn't.." He sighs. "Maybe you're right, dude. I really do need sleep." </p>
<p>Sapnap wants to hold his hand and promise him everything will be alright, but as his heart launches him into feelings he can't figure out the consequences for, he isn't entirely sure that they will be. </p>
<p><em>Nope</em>, he convinces himself, <em>they will be.</em> After all, just because he suddenly feels a certain way about Karl doesn't mean they can't stay friends. This won't ruin anything. </p>
<p>
  <em>But I don't want to be just friends. </em>
</p>
<p>Sapnap wears his lip between his teeth and tries to think straight. </p>
<p>Karl clears his throat. "You there?" </p>
<p>"Yeah, still here. I'm tired too." </p>
<p>"God, you too? Sorry for waking you." </p>
<p>"Nah, don't worry," he says, not wanting him to apologise any more. "I wouldn't have slept much longer anyways." </p>
<p>There's a gentle clink as Karl puts his drink down. Still standing in the middle of the kitchen, Sapnap takes another sip of tea that just barely burns his tongue once more. He winces; maybe waiting would've been wise. </p>
<p>"Feelings are complicated," Karl says suddenly, "aren't they, Sap?" </p>
<p>It's as if he's read his mind; Sapnap thinks he understands the direction it came from. "Yeah," he says, "yeah, they definitely are." </p>
<p>"I don't know, I was just kinda thinking out loud there, but…" He pauses, perhaps to drink more. "they're so confusing. I don't like them." </p>
<p>"I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to." </p>
<p>"Mm," he says doubtfully, "Doesn't change much." </p>
<p>"Why don't you like them?" Sapnap asks, though he's not quite sure of where he's steering the conversation. </p>
<p>"I dunno. It's kinda funny," he muses, but he's not laughing. "They're just.. uncontrollable." </p>
<p>He's certainly right about that one. </p>
<p>"You say weird things sometimes, Karl." </p>
<p>"I just say what I feel," he says. "What's weird about that?" </p>
<p>"Nothing, really… maybe I'm just not used to it." </p>
<p>Karl seems not to hear him. "Maybe." </p>
<p>Swirling his tea around the mug, Sapnap tries for the third time over to take a sip, and finds himself successful. The tea doesn't really taste like much - if he could describe it, he supposes he'd choose the word <em>grey</em>. It tastes monotone, boring. More like a last ditch effort to keep yourself awake than something you'd drink for enjoyment; Sapnap supposes that's what he's doing. </p>
<p>Karl is colourful enough that he makes up for it, though. <em>A whole fucking rainbow, honestly.</em></p>
<p>"Hey," Karl says, like a thought has sprung to his mind, "do you wanna add Dream to the call? He's online." </p>
<p>"Is he? Oh, sure! I wanna talk to him." </p>
<p>"Yeah, great! I'll DM him." </p>
<p>Something in the way he says it sounds… relieved, and Sapnap feels the words send shivers up his spine despite the simplicity they appear to come out with. <em>He's not upset to be talking to you,</em> he reminds himself, <em>or he wouldn't have even called.</em> He settles on believing he imagined it. </p>
<p>"Okay, he should be coming in-" </p>
<p>"Hello!" </p>
<p>They gasp simultaneously, and the newly arrived Dream simply laughs at them. "I got you guys so good!" </p>
<p>Sapnap scowls. "You did not." </p>
<p>"Uh-huh," he says in a sing-song voice. "Totally."</p>
<p>"Totally," Karl agrees. "Yes, totally, you did not. See? We're on the same page. God, I'm tired." </p>
<p>"Yeah," Sapnap says, "and it's getting more and more obvious. Are you really not going to bed?" </p>
<p>"Not if I finish this drink." </p>
<p>"You're drinking… let me guess, monster energy?" Dream asks, disbelief rigid in his tone. "You're worse than I am, Karl." </p>
<p>"I am, and I'm proud of it," he announces, though Sapnap is quite certain he'll soon be delirious again. <em>Hopefully it's not as bad as last night,</em> he thinks with mixed dread and amusement. </p>
<p>"Maybe you should rethink that one," Dream says, but the statement goes ignored. </p>
<p>"So Dream," Sapnap says, "what have you been doing this fine night?" </p>
<p>"Oh, not much." There's an air of overdramatic elegance around his voice that suggests anything but. "I've been a little busy." </p>
<p>"With what?" Karl and Sapnap echo curiously. </p>
<p>"Nothing," he says, drawing out each syllable mysteriously. Their disappointed sighs gauge him into continuing, however. "Okay, I might have… gotten a guitar." </p>
<p>"Oh, really? Awesome!" Sapnap says, and Karl chimes in with agreement. "Instruments are hard-" </p>
<p>"Way to discourage me-" </p>
<p>"-no, listen, I'm wishing you luck!" </p>
<p>"We can be a little band now," Karl suggests, "since we all play an instrument. We'll like, write songs and stuff." </p>
<p>"What, you mean guitar, violin and ukulele?" Dream laughs. "Some band that is." </p>
<p>"It'd be fun!" he maintains insistently, though it's obviously a joke; Sapnap can hear the enthusiasm in his voice. "Even if the songs sound really bad." </p>
<p>"Come on, Dream," he says, "don't be such a downer! Let him have fun." </p>
<p>"I'm not being a downer!" </p>
<p>"You are, totally. I personally think it was a great idea, Karl." </p>
<p>"Thanks," he says with a giggle. "See, Dream? Sapnap's got my back." </p>
<p>"Always," he says without a trace of humour in his voice, and it occurs to him that maybe it's not the best time to fall head-over-heels again; not that love really waits for the right moment. Luckily, Dream's voice cuts over the top of his, and he isn't sure that Karl even noticed. </p>
<p>"You're such… I don't know, dunderheads," Dream groans. </p>
<p>"Well, if we ever become a hit duo without you, you're coming to all our concerts," Karl declares. </p>
<p>"Okay, bet. First you actually have to be good at singing though." </p>
<p>"What the hell?" </p>
<p>Sapnap grins at their banter, the easy back-and-forth the three of them share. The charged energy between them is always so obvious, chemistry coming naturally; if he focuses on it hard enough, he can feel it buzz automatically in Karl's direction. Electric and intense, but also warm, loving. He feels it in the static when their shoulders brush in passing, in silence and in deafening noise. Unchangeable and more confusing than ever, it takes his heart in its grip and just won't seem to let go. </p>
<p>Sapnap's heart is Karl's. He knows that now. </p>
<p>"I'm gonna log off for a bit," Karl says, interrupting their bickering, "I feel kinda weird." </p>
<p>His heart sinks. "Are you okay? I can get you stuff if you-" </p>
<p>"Shh, Sapnap, I'm fine. Probably just the monster," he says with a weak laugh. "Don't worry too much about me." </p>
<p>"Night then, Karl," Dream says warmly, "I hope you feel better! Take care." </p>
<p>"Yeah, take care, stay safe." </p>
<p>"Night guys," he says, and then he's gone. </p>
<p>Unexpectedly, Dream laughs under his breath, just barely picked up by his mic. </p>
<p>"What?" Sapnap says, confused. "Why are you-" </p>
<p>"You're so obvious," he chuckles. "So fucking obvious."  </p>
<p>Pretending to be oblivious, he ignores the deep blush in his cheeks. "What do you mean?" </p>
<p>"Oh, come on." </p>
<p>"Really! You have to be more specific here, Dream." </p>
<p>"Seriously, Sapnap," he says, then; "you really love him, huh?" </p>
<p>Sapnap rests a hand against his chin and sighs. "Yeah, I do. I really, really do. How… how did you know?" </p>
<p>"Because I'm the same way," Dream says. "I see how you look at him, Sap."</p>
<p>"I look at him normally," he says, doubtfully, "don't I?"  </p>
<p>"Oh, not at all. You know when you go quiet listening to Karl talk, like you're trying to hear his voice and nobody else's? You don't do that with anyone apart from him-" </p>
<p>"<em>Okay</em>, but-" </p>
<p>"And you always stick up for him and take every chance to be with him regardless of the people around you. You're always looking to give him a good impression of yourself, like you want him to like you as much as possible. And-" </p>
<p>"Okay," Sapnap says with a defeated laugh, "okay, you don't have to keep going. I get it. I like him." </p>
<p>Hearing everything he feels and does because of Karl laid out in front of him is… jarring, to say quite the least. </p>
<p>"Well," Dream makes a nonchalant noise, as if that's supposed to mean anything to him. "I bet he likes you too." </p>
<p>"Nah. No shot. Don't make me dream like that." </p>
<p>"Just a proposition," he says. </p>
<p>"Yeah, well it's not a very good one." </p>
<p>Dream laughs again, a little more audibly this time. "Never said it was." </p>
<p>There's a silence. Sapnap has completely forgotten about his tea; it's probably cold now. Dream appears to be busy, typing rapidly on his keyboard just like he always does. </p>
<p>"I think I should log off too," he says after a bit. "I'm super tired." </p>
<p>Dream seems to think the same. "Alright, I think George is sleeping too so I'll-" He sucks in a breath. "I mean, yeah, I'm going to bed." </p>
<p>Sapnap grins. "You're such a dork." </p>
<p>"Whatever, goodnight Sapnap." </p>
<p>"Night, Dream." </p>
<p>There's a chiming sort of sound as he hangs up on the call, and then silence once more. </p>
<p>Sapnap doesn't feel particularly like sleeping all of a sudden, so he simply drinks the bland tea and thinks, elbows resting on the bench he's been leaning against for far too long now. His phone lies face-up on the counter, lighting up the room and showing the previous messages sent in their group chat. The shadows on the ceiling are much more defined by the blue light from his screen. </p>
<p>He goes to turn it off and sit in darkness, when Karl texts.</p>
<p>
  <em>sap can i come over <br/>i know ur probably rly tired sorry </em>
</p>
<p>He blinks. <em>Now?</em> he wants to say, but in reality he doesn't care what the time is anymore. </p>
<p>
  <em>yeah! come over rn if you want<br/>i wasn't even abt to sleep or anything</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>okay see ya soon</em>
</p>
<p>Soon comes very quickly, and he's opening the door again for a figure he's more than happy to see. Karl, standing on his doorstep once more, gives him a small smile that does nothing to hide the tiredness in his expression. He's clearly drained, but Sapnap's just glad he's here. </p>
<p>"Hi again, Karl," he says, pushing the door open a little further. "Are you gonna come in?" </p>
<p>"Yup." He steps forward, shutting the door behind him and sitting down to tug the shoes from his feet. "I know this was random, I just wanted.. to see you, I guess," he admits.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I thought so." </p>
<p>Karl looks up at him with eyes full of something close to worry. Sapnap's heart thumps dangerously. "That's not a problem, right?" </p>
<p>"Course not. I'm happy to see you," he says gratefully. "Let's go sit down, kay?" </p>
<p>As they walk down the hall, Karl clears his throat awkwardly, taking a moment of uncertain silence before speaking into it. "You sure I didn't do anything stupid last night?" </p>
<p>"Not any more stupid than usual," he promises. "Nothing dangerous and nothing too out of the ordinary. I expected you to be more hungover today, though." </p>
<p>"I am, a little bit," Karl says as they step into the living room. "Maybe that's cause-" he cuts himself off, "no, probably not." </p>
<p>Sapnap smiles, "You're just talking to yourself now." </p>
<p>"Whatever." </p>
<p>They stand in the middle of the room now, the sounds of a ticking clock making the silence less than satisfactory to listen to. Rubbing his eyes, Karl yawns. His hair is tousled, falling into his eyes so Sapnap can barely even see them, face a little paler than usual but still stained slightly pink just as always. </p>
<p>Sapnap watches him, in all his complete normalcy, and wonders why he's never noticed just how stunning he is even without trying. </p>
<p>"Karl," he hears himself say, returning to the same old bench where he's abandoned his teacup, "you're okay, right? You said you were feeling weird before." </p>
<p>He shrugs, following Sapnap over to the kitchen. "Mm, I'm okay. It didn't last long." </p>
<p>"Do you want some tea or something?"</p>
<p>"No thanks." </p>
<p>"You're not being very helpful here," he says with a half-smile, "I'm trying to offer you stuff-" </p>
<p>"Just talk to me," Karl says with a soft laugh, "that's enough. You're enough for me." </p>
<p>Sapnap blushes, despite every attempt not to. "Come on, stop that." </p>
<p>He leans against the counter, palms pressing into the white marble. "No thanks." </p>
<p>"You're gonna make me all shy and shit," he says, nudging him in the shoulder. "You don't want that, huh?" </p>
<p>"Maybe I do," Karl gives him a sly grin which slips from his face in an instant, "..no, yeah actually, never mind." </p>
<p>He replaces the absent smile with one of his own. "What, too much for you to handle?" </p>
<p>"No, it's not that.. I don't know." </p>
<p>There's that weird tension again, like there's a wall up between them and Sapnap can only knock on it hopelessly. Just as before, there's no indication as to why. </p>
<p>"You're funny," Sapnap says, "always switching up on me and all that." </p>
<p>"I say things without thinking," Karl mutters, "'specially when I get tired or emotional. Not my fault I forget to hold my tongue." </p>
<p>"You do, don't you?" he says fondly. "You always overcomplicate things like that." </p>
<p>He puffs out a breath of air, blowing his hair out of his face for a second. "Yeah. I don't want to. I wanna be like you instead." </p>
<p>"Oh, Karl," Sapnap sighs. "I'm not any better than you." </p>
<p>The fridge buzzes and the night hums, and surrounding them in all its blueness is a feeling that hits a little bit too close to home, a little too close for comfort. Too close, though it's hard to tell, to be called friendship.</p>
<p>He looks at Karl, still leant up against the counter, staring at something that isn't really there. </p>
<p>Maybe Dream was right. Maybe he doesn't look at anyone else like this. </p>
<p>"You know how…" Karl says, clearly on the edge of saying something he might regret. Sapnap eyes him curiously, drumming his fingers on the marble right next to where his hand lies.</p>
<p>"Hmm?" </p>
<p>"You know how we were talking about feelings? Before we added Dream to the call?" </p>
<p><em>Feelings,</em> he remembers; he'd forgotten that they're the reason for all of this. <em>I hate those.</em> </p>
<p>"Yeah, I remember, 'nd what about them?" </p>
<p>"I just," He turns to Sapnap, looking at him like he's seeing him for the first time, and shakes his head frantically. "Fuck, it's complicated. I don't really… know what to do." </p>
<p>The mutual understanding between them forges connections through whatever walls Karl has put up. "Yeah, me neither," he admits quietly. "Me neither, Karl." </p>
<p>Suddenly, everything is a little warmer. </p>
<p>"Can I-" Quite out of nowhere, Karl gestures awkwardly at himself, then at Sapnap. </p>
<p>It's easy to interpret. "You want a hug?" </p>
<p>"Mhm." </p>
<p>"C'mere," Sapnap murmurs, pulling him into a hug. He hears him exhale, like all his stress is momentarily gone, and finds that he feels the same way too. "It's okay, you don't ever have to ask for a hug." </p>
<p>"Good," he whispers. "I really needed it." </p>
<p>Karl is taller than him, but he isn't quite tall enough to rest his head on top of his despite his best efforts to. Sapnap can't help but laugh as he struggles, wondering what on earth he's trying to accomplish. </p>
<p>"What are you doing?" he giggles. </p>
<p>"Nothing!" he yelps, pulling away slightly. "Nothing, really…" </p>
<p>Sapnap pulls him back into his embrace. "Yeah, sure. Hard to believe that one." </p>
<p>"I just wanted to make you feel safe," Karl mumbles nervously; he barely even makes a sound, but it's there. It's like he's hoping Sapnap won't acknowledge it, so he doesn't, but he doesn't let the thought of it go. </p>
<p>He doesn't let Karl go, either, not for a while. They sway back and forth - soft, almost loving, and Sapnap's fingers lock into his when they eventually do separate. </p>
<p>"That was nice," he says, affection clouding his voice, "really nice." </p>
<p>"Yeah.. it was. You, uh, give good hugs." </p>
<p>"Yours are better," Sapnap counters. "You're all warm, and stuff. Probably all those sweaters." </p>
<p>He doesn't see Karl blush, but he covers his face so much that it's easy to infer, one hand still clutched in his own while the other flies across his cheeks. "That's not true," he protests. </p>
<p>"Yeah, it is! You were warm last night too, I don't think it was just a coincidence." </p>
<p>"Last night?" </p>
<p>"Yeah," he continues, "you fell asleep on me and I just kinda… let you lie there, and-" </p>
<p>Face still blocked by his sleeve, Karl lets out a breath. "You liked it that much, huh." </p>
<p>"I liked having you in my arms like that, Karl." </p>
<p><em>I liked the thought that you loved me, in that moment.</em> </p>
<p>"You don't mean that-" </p>
<p>"I do," he says. "I… mean more than you think I do." </p>
<p>Karl's hand drops from his face; he wears a slightly surprised, slightly entranced expression, like he's totally mesmerized by the words he's hearing. "Keep going," he says, and his voice sweeps across the floorboards like the wind. "Tell me more."</p>
<p>"You wanna know?" he asks, unsurely. </p>
<p>"Maybe I do. Maybe I want to hear what's going on in your head." </p>
<p>Sapnap looks up into his eyes, and falls. </p>
<p>"You wanna hear how much I want you to be mine?" </p>
<p>It's instantaneous, the way Karl's eyes widen and he reddens and pokes his tongue into his cheek like he always does when he gets nervous, the way he seems to withdraw from the situation like all of a sudden he's not so sure anymore. </p>
<p>Sapnap, however, is still quite sure. </p>
<p>"I bet you'd love to be mine, wouldn't you?" </p>
<p>Karl falters, but doesn't look away, and through a face filled with flustered anxiety, nods. "...Maybe I would." </p>
<p>The electricity seems to magnify. Sapnap can't hold himself back. "You like it," he says, low, "when it's just us? When you feel the tension in your throat?" A second passes. "I know.. I do." </p>
<p>"When it's just us," he repeats. "Just us." </p>
<p>"You and me." </p>
<p>"When you have me to yourself, huh?" Karl says. "When there's nobody to take me away from you?" </p>
<p>"You read my mind." </p>
<p>"I… don't mind being yours," Karl starts, and then something in him seems to freeze. </p>
<p>"You'd like to be-" </p>
<p>"-Wait." </p>
<p>"Hm?" </p>
<p>He blinks rapidly. "Fuck, wait, okay. Forget that. Forget I said it." </p>
<p>"Karl," he says, worried, "what's the matter?" </p>
<p>"Nothing. Can you let go of me?"</p>
<p>All of his initial vulnerability disappears, dissipates into thin air. </p>
<p>Unwillingly, Sapnap drops his hand. </p>
<p>"Okay, look," he picks up where he left off, "I think this is a good time for me to leave." </p>
<p>He's cold. <em>Why is he so cold now? What changed?</em> </p>
<p>"It's late, though! You could stay here, I have a spare room." </p>
<p>"No, I mean.." He falters. "I can't, sorry." </p>
<p><em>Don't leave,</em> Sapnap hears his mind plead. "Then we don't have to sleep, we could, like, drive somewhere? Would you like that?" </p>
<p>"..No. No thanks." </p>
<p>His heart sinks. "Alright, um." </p>
<p>"Goodnight," Karl says blankly, and it breaks Sapnap just a little bit as he turns away with a wave. </p>
<p>It would've been better if he'd walked out crying, but no tears are shed. </p>
<p>"Goodnight," he says to the empty room. If he thinks hard enough, he can pretend nobody ever left. </p>
<p>--- </p>
<p>
  <em>hey karl <br/>im sorry </em>
</p>
<p>Sapnap stares at the message for easily the tenth time in the last minute; it's not doing him any favours to have his eyes on it for this long, but he can't look away. He doesn't want to hurt Karl. He feels like he's done the opposite of what he ever wanted to achieve, and even though he knows it's not his fault, the world seems to have crashed around him anyways. </p>
<p><em>hi,</em> Karl texts back suddenly, and his eyes fly open. </p>
<p>There's a minute-long gap between the next message or so, then, <em>im sorry too</em></p>
<p>
  <em>why? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>for walking out on you like that <br/>really im sorry <br/>i just. panicked </em>
</p>
<p><em>its okay,</em> he says, fully aware that he would've said that no matter what. </p>
<p><em>i just</em>, Karl resumes. <em>sap, i dont know what we are </em><br/><em>i didnt know before and i certainly dont know now</em></p>
<p>
  <em>neither do i <br/>do you wanna talk about it? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>no <br/>i want things to go back to how they were, kinda <br/>i really like you sapnap but i cant <br/>thats all</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>hey hey <br/>why can't you? <br/>talk to me? it's okay</em>
</p>
<p><em>no i said im not talking</em>, he says, and it cuts a bit deeper than it should have. <em>i just can't</em></p>
<p>
  <em>karl :( <br/>you know i care </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>you care too much sapnap<br/>thats why you're my best friend and thats why it's making this really difficult</em>
</p>
<p><em>what, me being your best friend?</em> he says, confused. </p>
<p>
  <em>you being my boy best friend i guess</em>
</p>
<p>Something clicks in his understanding, and it occurs to him that Karl probably didn't want to tell him this at all. Not yet, maybe. </p>
<p>
  <em>it's stupid i know <br/>it's just. it's kind of a lot <br/>ive never fallen for a boy before or my best friend and ive also never fallen for anyone quite as hard as you </em>
</p>
<p><em>it's not stupid,</em> he says, but the effort to cheer him up is rather vain. <em>youre allowed to feel</em>  </p>
<p>
  <em>no id rather not <br/>i think we should forget this happened okay? <br/>itll be better that way </em>
</p>
<p>Sapnap wants to tell him he's wrong, but he isn't sure if it's the truth. The wavering line between friend and lover grows blurry so fast - how long, exactly, will it take for it to break? </p>
<p>
  <em>we're gonna work this out, okay? <br/>why dont we go somewhere again, tomorrow after you've gotten some sleep</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>okay alright <br/>we'll try and see how it goes <br/>i care alot about you sap <br/>i dont wanna fuck things up that's all </em>
</p>
<p><em>me neither,</em> he says, knowing full well that he already has. ur gonna be okay yeah? </p>
<p><em>yeah,</em> comes his reply, but it's half-hearted.</p>
<p>Sapnap decides to work on convincing himself first. Maybe, the tangled threads will untangle themselves one day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>twt: @minecrftbees </p>
<p>thank u for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The beach and the water bring Karl closer to Sapnap, and just as quickly brings them apart.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ayo lads! sorry that my writing has been so incredibly all over the place lately, writers block is truly kicking my ass. this one's a little shorter, but i think it came out alright :] vibes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>POV: Karl</strong>
</p><p>Another tired, cold day comes and goes. This one feels peculiarly short compared to usual, like the hours are slipping away between Karl's fingers and disappearing into dust. He spends most of it in his room, scrolling through Twitter and liking the occasional picture that he'll no doubt forget about in the next hour anyways, occasionally getting up and pacing and thinking thoughts he shouldn't. Everything feels inconsistent, feels uncertain, out of control. <em>I need to talk to Sapnap</em>, he keeps telling himself, but then it never happens and he's left staring at the last <em>yeah</em> he'd sent to him hours ago in a futile attempt to make himself believe they're okay. </p><p><em>We</em> are <em>okay</em>, he tries to say, <em>that's what he told me, he told me it'd be fine. He told me we'd work it out.</em></p><p>
  <em>How, though, exactly?</em>
</p><p>Karl knows, deep in the dismay he keeps at bay, deep in his chest, that they need to talk. Not one of the light conversations they're used to, skirting around the problem - no, they need to <em>really</em> talk, to listen to one another without fear. It's not a realisation he would've liked to come to, but in the hours alone in his room without further thought given to much else, it's proven difficult not to. And it's not like he's afraid of what he'll get as a response to voicing his true feelings - no, Sapnap would listen to him, maybe even provide some temporary solace from whatever the fuck they've been dealing with as of recently. Karl has no doubts about that. </p><p>He just.. <em>really</em> doesn't want to talk about it. So he doesn't.</p><p>But he does think - way, way too much. And when his shallow breathing turns into heavy, concentrated sighs, the thinking doesn't stop. His internal becomes external, denial and a sort of helpless repression slowly taking its toll on him through headaches and stabbing chest pains. </p><p>
  <em>All because I can't stop thinking about you.</em>
</p><p>Karl despises his feelings, but he loves Sapnap more than anything else in the world. It's funny how it's the one thing that fills him with hate. <em>It really shouldn't be like this</em>, he reminds himself, <em>but it is.</em></p><p>
  <em>But it is.</em>
</p><p>At a quarter to ten in the evening, Karl texts. </p><p><em>sap</em>, he types out and sends, not thinking it over, defaulting to the same old nickname he always uses. <em>are u here?</em></p><p>He waits maybe fifteen minutes. Sapnap texts back. <em>im here, whats up?</em></p><p>
  <em>i wanted you<br/>
that's all</em>
</p><p>It's difficult to be honest, but he owes it to his friend. No more halfhearted <em>idk</em> or <em>nothing important</em> - sure, they'll make their comeback, but not tonight. <em>I need to be real with him.</em></p><p>
  <em>you wanna talk about it?</em>
</p><p><em>no,</em> he says. <em>no i dont</em><br/>
<em>but i do want to see you again</em></p><p>He hesitates as uncertainty creeps up on him; <em>is that ok?</em></p><p><em>yeah of course</em>, Sapnap replies, and Karl knows that wherever he is, whatever he's doing, he means it. <em>can i pick you up or wtv</em></p><p>
  <em>again?? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>i want to take you somewhere again </em>
</p><p>
  <em>alright haha<br/>
see you soon dumbhead</em>
</p><p>He wants to say more, leave him with an <em>ily</em> that'll linger and leave Sapnap with a smile on his face,  break through the heaviness that weighs on his feelings. He'd let himself be restless if he could. He can't.</p><p>
  <em>see u soon<br/>
&lt;3</em>
</p><p>He's cute. It hurts, a bit. <em>Don't accept it, Karl. You can't just accept it like that.</em></p><p>
  <em>I want to.</em>
</p><p>When Sapnap shows up at his door, they don't bother with seriousness, nor with awkwardness. Karl gives him a small smile which is returned radiantly, and they resume talk as if they're nothing more than really good friends. Like everything is exactly normal and as it should be and there's no feelings being shoved down and swallowed like bile in their throats. Like nothing had ever happened last night. </p><p>They both know it isn't true, but that's why they avoid it. </p><p>"Are you gonna surprise me this time or what?" Karl questions him as they walk out to the car. "Like last time?" </p><p>"No," Sapnap says with a soft huff of laughter. "No, fine, I'll tell you. We're gonna go to the beach." </p><p>"The beach?" He stares in shock. "Sap, it's freezing." </p><p>Sapnap swings the car door open and waits for Karl to follow; he does, sliding into the passenger seat like it's an old friend. "Yeah, so nobody will be there!" </p><p>"What is it with you and deserted areas?" </p><p>"Nothing!" he says defensively. "I mean, something, but I can't say it." </p><p>"Why? What's up?" </p><p>"You'd… you'd get all quiet and shit again. Don't want that." </p><p>His heart sinks. <em>I'm that obvious, huh?</em></p><p>"Oh." Karl forces a laugh. "Okay." </p><p>The silence is thick and uncertain for a second at most, and then Sapnap's on about his most recent games of Valorant and how they should play together, and Karl's anxiety dissipates. He knows that for a minute, they both felt it, maybe let it dance in the evening air for longer than usual. </p><p>It's faded now. </p><p>The understanding between them is mutual - be friends for tonight, don't cross any lines, no remarks that could be taken the wrong way. There's also an understanding that someone will, for certain, cross one. He doesn't know who it will be, nor when it'll happen, but they can't keep doing this, not even for a few hours. The minutes as they are feel restrained. </p><p><em>It might be easier if you just kissed me</em>, he thinks. He doesn't say it. </p><p>"I'm gonna turn on the radio again, mkay?" Sapnap suggests, not waiting for an answer. He turns a dial surrounded by various other buttons Karl doesn't know how to use, and a song he's never heard plays through the speakers. Sapnap seems to recognize it, because he picks up on the tune and hums along. <em>Like always.</em></p><p>"You're not so bad at singing," he says. </p><p>Sapnap grins sarcastically at him. "Don't lie. I'm shit." </p><p>"You're not! You're not outstanding but you're <em>good</em>, it's kinda-" <em>It's cute.</em> "-uh, I dunno. Nothing."</p><p>Karl hates that he falls back on <em>nothing</em> so much.  </p><p>"Yeah, yeah," he says, "you know, one day I'll be good at singing."</p><p>He seems to lose himself in thought. Karl wishes he knew exactly what he was thinking. </p><p>"I'll be there to see it then!" </p><p>"Betcha will!" Sapnap gives him a broad smile. "I'll play you something." </p><p>Karl leans his cheek against the cold window. "What'll you play for me then, huh?" </p><p>"I dunno," Sapnap says. "Something from Adventure Time, since it's you. Something you'd like." </p><p>"I'd like anything," he decides, "as long as you <em>do</em> really play for me. I'll hold ya to it now, you know." </p><p>"Karl!" he laughs. "I was joking." </p><p>Karl turns the radio up just loud enough that his words are drowned out by the singer's voice, ringing through their car over the top of the engine and the wind and the feelings that never seem to leave his voice. "Always joking," he mutters. "I can never tell, with you." </p><p>Sapnap keeps singing, even though he's hard to hear, and they draw closer and closer to the beach, and Karl tries way too hard not to be in love with him. It's proving to be challenging. </p><p><em>If only I'd kept to my promise</em>. He's sure that the promise meant nothing, nothing at all, but maybe if he'd just stuck to the vows he made this wouldn't be happening - the vows that told him <em>not</em> to fall in love with somebody he can't have. </p><p><em>Why can't I have him?</em> he asks himself over and over, but there's no definitive answer except for <em>I just can't.</em> It proves no further point. </p><p>"Alright, here we are," he hears Sapnap say as they pull up on the side of the road, near the rocks and sand outlooking the lake. It's not a big one, but it's large enough to take a boat out on or to swim for a long way, and Karl can faintly recall the time him and Quackity and George went sailing on their stupid half-broken kayak and they almost all fell in. The memory fills him with fond longing, wondering what Sapnap would've done if he'd been there. <em>Probably just as little as we did.</em></p><p>"No picnic basket this time?" Karl teases as they make their way onto the gravelly road. Sapnap gives him a shove. </p><p>"No, that was like, a hassle anyways. Just us tonight." </p><p>
  <em>Just us. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You like it, when it's just us? When you feel the tension in your throat?</em>
</p><p>"Y-yeah. Let's go then?" </p><p>Sapnap offers him a hand, before seemingly rethinking his choice and retracting it. "Mhm, let's go." </p><p>Feet crunching on tiny rocks, they walk down the mostly empty street, through a parking lot that looks almost abandoned, and out onto the sand where the water threatens to wash everything away. Karl, a little deterred by the loudness of the waves, wishes it'd wash him away too. Maybe then he wouldn't have to feel anymore. </p><p>
  <em>When it's just us. Just us. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You and me.</em>
</p><p>Sapnap looks up at the sky, dark just like it always seems to be when they go on their little adventures. He shivers, but it doesn't stop him from immediately picking up his pace, kicking up sand around them and running far off in the direction of the shore. Karl hangs back, watching him with faint admiration as he reaches the water and dashes out into the waves. His shoes will be soaked now, and he's going to complain about it later, and it'll be terribly endearing like literally everything else he does. </p><p>Karl thinks, right now, he's a little too perfect. </p><p>
  <em>When you have me to yourself, huh?</em>
</p><p>"Karl!" Sapnap calls. "Come on out with me! It's not even that cold!" </p><p>That's definitely a lie, but Sapnap looks so excited and joyful that he doesn't even think twice before joining him. "Are you," he says with a half-laugh as he stumbles down to the edge of the lake, "uh, okay? It <em>looks</em> really cold." </p><p>He shakes his head insistently. "No, no, I'm great!" </p><p>Making the decision to remove his shoes before entering the water, Karl throws them off his feet and to the side. Bare feet sink into the sand beneath him, unexpectedly cold but no more than the air around them. It's nice - grounding, in a way. The water washes over his ankles, licking at the cuffs of his jeans, and at Sapnap's repeated call he steps further into it. </p><p>With no warning, a hand links with his own. </p><p>Karl tries not to think about it. </p><p>
  <em>When there's nobody to take me away from you?</em>
</p><p>"See, Karl," he says, pulling him further into the water until his legs are soaked from the knees down. "It's not so bad!" </p><p>It's freezing, in fact. "You're joking. It's not <em>so bad</em>? My <em>legs</em> are about to fall off, Sap." </p><p>He receives a hand squeeze in return, fingers locking firmly around his with no intent of letting go. "You'll get used to it. Can't feel pain in your legs if you don't have any." </p><p>Karl can't help his laughter, squinting over spray and foam that get in his eyes and all over his face like salty tears. "That's not really how that works." </p><p>"C'mon, I think you can make accommodations."</p><p>
  <em>You read my mind.</em>
</p><p>They walk out just a little further, and Sapnap tugs him along the shoreline until they've run a fair way away from their starting destination. They spin around each other, just a little, hands still clasped together as waves lap over their legs and moonlight gets in the way of their vision. Sapnap's smile is back, flushing his cheeks and lighting up his eyes, and Karl can't stop looking at him. </p><p>Despite everything telling him not to be, telling him he can't be, he really is in love with him. </p><p><em>I don't mind being yours</em>, he'd told him. </p><p>It's true, though his reluctance might indicate otherwise, that he doesn't. <em>Being his.</em></p><p>
  <em>His only. Maybe.</em>
</p><p>That's gross and sappy and against everything Karl has been telling himself, but he wants it. </p><p>"Look," Sapnap says, letting go of his hand perhaps on accident and perhaps on purpose, "look at the sky, Karl! It's beautiful, isn't it?"</p><p><em>You're beautiful.</em> "Yeah, it is." </p><p>They stare up at its greatness, inky black and so dark that the moon is a blinding light in comparison to it. The stars are all out, and Karl can see the way they float and reflect in the lake water rippling around their feet. It's peaceful, and just for a moment, it feels easy to love each other.</p><p>A particularly strong wave breaks the moment into pieces on the floor. </p><p>Karl is knocked over by the current that hits them, slamming into their ankles with little to no warning compared to how peaceful it was before. Spray flies into his eyes again, stinging and smarting, and with a surprised yelp he slips backwards towards dark waves. They're shallow but still <em>moderately</em> deep and so, <em>so</em> cold, and Karl is convinced he's going to slip completely under. </p><p>Sapnap catches him. </p><p>"Got you!" he says, rather triumphantly. </p><p>He freezes. </p><p>It's not so much the fear of disappearing under the water, as alarming it was - no, it's the means in which Sapnap has caught him, one hand on his waist and the other around his wrist. It's because suddenly they're so <em>close</em>. </p><p>He's pulled to his feet properly again, though he isn't aware of it happening, only that he could probably kiss Sapnap right now. That the arm locked halfway around his waist feels safe and secure and way, <em>way</em> too dangerous. </p><p>
  <em>What the fuck do I do?</em>
</p><p>The other hand releases from his wrist, raising to meet his face and brush against his cheek, and all at once he feels like he could break into pieces right here and now with no indication that he was ever anything more than glass. <em>I'm not. I'm not fragile. I'm not porcelain.</em></p><p>Their eyes meet. Sapnap's lips are parted in surprise.</p><p>But Karl can't let himself shatter that easily. </p><p>"No." His heart jumps in his throat. "No, no no no no no, Sap, <em>no.</em>" </p><p>Hickory brown eyes flick away from his. There's a beat of silence. Karl runs. </p><p>He runs for a good five minutes, somehow finding his shoes through his dazed state and falling onto the sand a ways away from the shore. His jeans are freezing and soaked, and he feels miserable and empty. It's cold, washed up. </p><p>He sits there for some time, quite alone. </p><p>"Karl," a voice from far-off approaches him after awhile, "Karl, hey, Karl. I almost thought you'd left." </p><p>He's quiet, reserved compared to usual, but it's still the same Sapnap that walked onto the beach with him. Karl gives him a shake of the head in response. </p><p>"Talk to me," Sapnap says, voice just barely shaking, "okay? Please?" </p><p>The words crumble beneath his tongue. "I don't know." </p><p>"Just tell me.. how you feel? We can try and work it out. Like I said." </p><p>He's trying to be comforting, and Karl feels so terrible for not accepting it. "I'm scared," he mumbles. "I'm really, really scared, Sap. I've told you."</p><p>Sapnap sits down next to him, but they don't look at each other this time. "Why?" he asks, and it holds more questions than one word can contain. Karl decides to answer the most obvious of them. </p><p>"It's just scary because… because all I know is that I <em>want</em> you." His voice aches with rawness, with shame. "I don't even know when it started." </p><p>"Not… not recently?" </p><p>"No, I don't think so." </p><p>There's a sigh, a tired one. "Can you recall a time when you didn't… didn't want me?" </p><p>Karl thinks of Sapnap's hand on his cheek, on his waist, in his hair, and swallows hot tears. "N-no." When there's no response, he continues recklessly; "but it doesn't matter. It doesn't <em>matter.</em>" </p><p>"Doesn't it?" His hurt, his confusion, is audible. </p><p>He shakes his head. "The thing is," Karl says, torn, "that I don't know <em>how</em> to stop wanting you." </p><p>Sapnap lets out a breath. "How much do you want me, Karl?" It's hushed, full of whispered words and unspoken promises that the world will never hear, not meant to be shouted but instead to be said into the muffled embrace of another. </p><p>It's like a knife in a wound. </p><p>"Too much, I think. More than I should." </p><p>"Well.." Sapnap's eyes meet his own, brown on grey, and the tiny lights that dance within them reflect miles and miles of stars and sky. He looks quietly desperate, conflicted, grasping for reassurance that they're going to make it out of this. </p><p>He wants it, too, enough that Karl can taste it.</p><p>"What do we do now?" he asks, and it's obviously not the right question but neither of them know what to say. </p><p>"I don't know, Sap, I don't know. I have so many thoughts but I can't-" He exhales shakily. "I can't like you that way. There's too many consequences." </p><p>Sapnap catches his eye for a second yet again, and Karl swears he's crying. If he is, he keeps it extremely well-concealed. "Don't you think they're worth it?" </p><p>
  <em>I can't say no. I can't say yes.</em>
</p><p>He avoids the question, trying not to lash out or get angry or say anything stupid this time. <em>Shut down. That's what you always do.</em></p><p>"I think I'm going to go home." </p><p>
  <em>It never helps.</em>
</p><p>"Karl-" </p><p>He stands up. "Sapnap. Take me home." </p><p>In a swift movement, he's back on his feet and running again, back up the beach towards the car. </p><p>
  <em>This isn't what I want. I'm doing what's better for both of us.</em>
</p><p>The thought consumes his mind and everything in it as he tries to convince himself he's right. Karl knows, secretly, that he's not. </p><p>-- </p><p>They drive home in almost complete silence. Once or twice, Sapnap says something, maybe trying to steer the conversation back to normal - Karl humours him with responses that almost sound sarcastic and ingenuine. The next couple words will probably be laced with hurt, and then Karl will feel guilty, and they'll resume their endless silence all over again. </p><p>He wants to cry. </p><p>Waving a feeble goodbye as he steps out of the car, Karl returns to a lonely house he isn't sure belongs to him anymore. In every corner, each hallway, he can see places where Sapnap has stepped, invisible footprints. It sucks so <em>badly</em>, because there never seems to be an end to what he does to him. And he can't find it in himself to be angry, because it's not Sapnap's fault. </p><p>Sure, he can say it is. He can pin all the blame on the man he's fallen in love with and say over and over that he <em>hates</em> this and he <em>hates</em> him, but it's not true. He can say that he has all the control in the world over what he loves and what he doesn't, all the things that he feels. He can say that he's allowed to choose what he does about it. </p><p>That's not true, either. Nothing seems like it's ever in his hands. </p><p>The thing is, Sapnap is always the one pulling him into wild, upside-down places and Karl is always the one who's never seen them before, and it feels entirely like he's merely touring a world that is Sapnap's to show him. He's always the one leading and Karl is always the one following, but then he usually ends up being the one who runs away. Each and every time, he doesn't stop running, not because he doesn't want to be caught but because it's <em>scary</em> to follow someone into the dark with no idea of where they're going to take you. </p><p><em>It's because I love him.</em> </p><p>It's scary to be in love. </p><p>Karl buries his face in his hands and sits, silently, on his doorstep. He calls Sapnap with the last of his common sense, the last of his stupidity, and hopes to be home. </p><p>He gets a response fast.</p><p>"Hey," Karl says, not even know why he's dialed. "Uh, yeah. Hi." </p><p>"I only just got home," Sapnap says, perhaps trying to be nonchalant. "Did you.. want something?" </p><p><em>Everything.</em> "Nothing." </p><p>"Well then," he continues, and he sounds betrayed, and Karl wants to kiss the dismay from his face and tell him they're going to be happy. "Why?" </p><p>There's that stupid word again - <em>why. What is it with him and baseless questions?</em></p><p>"I guess, just," he forces the words out of him, one after the next. "I don't know." </p><p>He <em>does</em> know. He knows that he wants Sapnap's lips against his and he wants to tell him how <em>sorry</em> he is and how fucking <em>stupid</em> he is and just how much he wants them to belong to each other. <em>I want this to be enough for us.</em></p><p>He can't get the words out of his throat. They remain lodged there uncomfortably, like a promise he's sworn not to tell. </p><p>"If you don't know, then-" Sapnap clears his throat. "You're here for no reason?" </p><p>"I don't want to lose you," Karl hears himself say without really meaning to. It's truer than anything he'd be able to say on purpose. </p><p>"Oh." </p><p>"..Oh?" </p><p>"I dunno, Karl." </p><p>"What do you mean?" he asks, "I mean, we aren't losing each other, right? No matter what? You told me we'd be fine." </p><p>Sapnap gives him another sigh, and he sounds so disappointed that it makes Karl wish none of this had happened. "I just don't know how much I can promise." </p><p>Karl's mouth falls open, and everything falls apart, and one of them hangs up. </p><p>He isn't sure which person it is, but it's not a big deal because he can't hear a familiar, friendly voice anymore and it <em>hurts</em> in all the wrong ways.  </p><p>Karl wants to hold Sapnap just the same way he's been held - close, intimate, without fear. He remembers the hug they'd shared, the way he'd tried and failed so miserably to make him feel safe, and wishes he'd done better. <em>I wish I could give that to you.</em></p><p>
  <em>Is this my fault? I don't know.</em>
</p><p>He doesn't know, and he hasn't from the beginning. Maybe it's stupid to be so in love and so incredibly in denial of it. <em>Maybe if I wasn't so stupid.</em></p><p>There's too many '<em>maybe</em>'s to even know what's what anymore. Maybe Sapnap is doing okay. Maybe he's not. Maybe it doesn't matter. </p><p>It probably doesn't matter. Either way, Karl is alone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>karl jacobs i really am So sorry please forgive me</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Karl sees it as falling. Sapnap wants to fly.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if u happen to be here from lttyh (i don't think so because this is my most well known piece BUT) i am so sorry for not updating it truly i am. I hate writers block. </p>
<p>BUT i am very proud of this chapter and if funky metaphors and kind of introspective dialogue is your thing then you will probably like it too. ty for all the support as of lately :]</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>POV: Sapnap</strong>
</p>
<p>If he's being honest, Sapnap isn't really sure how to feel about it. Not anymore. </p>
<p>It's been maybe an hour, only an hour, since he's gotten home and called Karl and then hung up on Karl like a fucking idiot all because he doesn't know what to say (and then cried a couple minutes too long on the kitchen floor trying to make sense of it all, but he doesn't need to think about that). Only an hour. </p>
<p>This whole thing has happened so incredibly fast. Not that falling in love necessarily happens quick, but sometimes realising it happens in less than a second and acting on it can be even faster, and the regret can catch up so quickly that it eats you up without giving you time to speak. That's how Sapnap feels - rushed, more by himself than by Karl, who wants this to be anything but rushed. Karl would probably ask for another month or two to think about this if they hadn't been thrown unceremoniously into it together. In fact Sapnap is sure that if Karl could choose his course of action, he wouldn't have fallen in love with anyone. </p>
<p>That was the last straw for him. The first time he'd thought it, on the same old kitchen floor, it'd hurt too much to process. <em>He wouldn't love me if he could help it, huh?</em></p>
<p>Sapnap wants to call him selfish for that, but he knows he's not any better. They're a mess, both of them - their friendship, their idea of love, all of it is so messy. At the end of the day, maybe that's all they're destined for - to be some mess. So long as Karl is <em>his</em> mess, Sapnap doesn't care what happens. </p>
<p>
  <em>But I've already pushed him away, just like he did to me.</em>
</p>
<p>Is it worth taking it back? </p>
<p>He wishes he could answer that question, but every time he tries he loses his grip on the words and they spill through the cracks in his heart like water through glass. Sapnap isn't easily breakable, but a hammer to a window will always smash it. </p>
<p>And so he's sat on his couch with no answers at all, wanting nothing more than to hold Karl's hand and thinking maybe he should just leave awhile. Not to somewhere foreign or a place nobody will know him, just somewhere that's not now, not here. Something separate from whatever <em>this</em> is. The car's not so far away, and from there on he can go to a park or down to the beach again - <em>no, not there</em>, he decides without meaning to. <em>The park it is, I guess. </em></p>
<p>The garage door shuts behind him and his car disappears into the night, and with his hands on the pedals Sapnap only takes notice of the open window. He's got chills already - a jacket would've been wise, but it's too late now. The stars feel colder tonight, leaving imprints on his bare arms like melting snowflakes. It doesn't feel particularly good, but maybe snow wouldn't be so bad. </p>
<p>It'd take his mind off things long enough that he could run, out through the streets and into the frost-capped cities with their dangerously tall skyscrapers, and he'd stare up at the lights all on his own this time. He'd leave footprints trailing from building to building, up and down flights of stairs, then make snow angels on the ground until a whole chorus of them flooded the stark white roads like a marching band. He'd be free to leave whatever marks he pleased, knowing that the snow would melt and nobody would ever know it was him. So long as they didn't see his shoes, didn't see him lie down on the ground and spread his arms like wings, he'd go completely and totally unnoticed. </p>
<p>He can't leave marks on Karl like that, because Karl remembers. Karl is human, not some road he can walk all over, not some snowy abyss of cold. Karl is warm and bright and beautiful. Snow is fleeting. </p>
<p>But maybe Karl is fleeting, too. <em>No.</em></p>
<p><em>Yes, sometimes.</em> Sometimes Karl slips through his fingers like a ghost. </p>
<p>The park he walks into is devoid of any snow, and everything is sickeningly permanent. As he returns to the bench he's so used to and sits on the ground without Karl by his side, Sapnap feels his stomach swirl with nothingness - it's worse than he'd like to admit. The ground is too close, and everything else is too far away, and he's tired of thinking thoughts that don't mean anything. An old jacket lies abandoned on the side of the bench - <em>weird,</em> he thinks, <em>I must've left it here.</em> He pulls it on, but doesn't feel any warmer. Maybe the issue isn't the weather.</p>
<p>Hoping to give his brain a break, Sapnap texts Dream, numb fingers tapping against semi-cracked glass. <em>have u gotten in contact with karl lately</em>? he asks mindlessly, stupidly, and immediately wishes he could delete it.  </p>
<p>That isn't even what he was supposed to say. Karl really does live on his mind 24/7, huh? </p>
<p><em>huh</em>? Dream texts him back within seconds - they're usually quick to answer each other, especially when something feels wrong. Maybe something does feel wrong. It's not the same kind of wrong he might be expecting, but wrong is the word Sapnap would use to describe it, he supposes. <em>yeah, we talk often i guess, has something happened</em>? </p>
<p><em>well</em>, he says, already feeling knee-deep into a conversation he didn't ever bargain for. <em>its hard to explain<br/>
how are you?</em></p>
<p>
  <em>oh no no no sapnap don't dodge my question like that </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>shut ur mouth<br/>
i told you it's hard to explain</em>
</p>
<p><em>try me</em>, Dreams sends, like they're playing a tabletop game and he's about to pull a daring move. It's more than a game, but it feels less than far from one.</p>
<p>
  <em>it'll take awhile</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>no it won't<br/>
besides, ive got all night</em>
</p>
<p>Sapnap knows already he can't worm his way out of an explanation. With a slightly dismayed resolve, he lets the water spill once more and hopes it won't quite drown him. </p>
<p><em>i kissed him,</em> he admits, then backtracks. <em>well, i almost did</em></p>
<p><em>define "almost did</em>", Dream replies attentively, so Sapnap does. </p>
<p><em>it didn't really go to plan</em>, he goes on. <em>we were at the beach n stuff and he almost tripped so i grabbed him you know like a normal sane person would </em></p>
<p>
  <em>yeah but how does this lead to kissing him </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>im getting there! hold ur horses<br/>
i kind of pulled him to his feet but we ended up really close somehow<br/>
and i know we both felt it, dream<br/>
i know we did </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>so what'd you do? why is this so bad?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>he pulled away from me<br/>
and we tried to talk it out. you know, after that. but it just didnt work<br/>
hes scared and i think so am i and its not really going too great for either of us</em>
</p>
<p><em>i hear you,</em> Dream says. </p>
<p>
  <em>and? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>and you're going to be fine, okay?</em>
</p>
<p>Sapnap believes him for a moment, if only because it's reassuring. The questions he has don't fade. </p>
<p>
  <em>yeah but what does that fix<br/>
how exactly does that work </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>well, what's the problem, right now?</em>
</p>
<p><em>look,</em> he fumbles, <em>hes my best friend dream</em></p>
<p>
  <em>i know he is</em>
</p>
<p><em>you are too obviously,</em> he clarifies, <em>i have other best friends too but karl is one of those and i dont want to lose my best friend</em></p>
<p><em>shush you don't have to explain</em>, Dream says, as if he hasn't already done just that. <em>youre close, i know you are, its alright. have you told him what you told me?</em></p>
<p><em>no</em>, Sapnap tries to explain, frustrated already, <em>cause he told me like the same thing<br/>
and i just said i dont know<br/>
because i dont<br/>
sorry</em>, he adds, more of an afterthought. </p>
<p>
  <em>hey hey don't worry</em>
</p>
<p>That changes absolutely nothing, he discovers. </p>
<p>
  <em>have you been listening to me. im very worried</em>
</p>
<p><em>okay listen to me dumbass</em>, Dream continues, and Sapnap almost laughs in all his upset surprise. <em>you're thinking too hard about this! you are not going to lose him!</em></p>
<p>
  <em>what are you a fucking psychic or something</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>no, but sapnap, i have known you for nine years<br/>
i'm not stupid </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>and i am??</em>
</p>
<p><em>yes</em>, he says. At least he's being honest. </p>
<p><em>so what do i do then,</em> he asks, <em>if ur so smart</em></p>
<p>
  <em>be honest with him! cut to the point rather than always avoiding it<br/>
directness is good, even if it feels weird</em>
</p>
<p><em>tell him that</em>, Sapnap says, and he hates how bitterly it comes across, leaving an aftertaste on his palette he can't wash down. <em>im trying really hard to be, but when karl isnt it makes it fucking difficult<br/>
and hes so like?? abstract??? oh my god hes so confusing </em></p>
<p>
  <em>you cant force each other to do anything, sap</em>
</p>
<p>Sapnap knows, through his irritation, that Dream is right. </p>
<p>
  <em>i guess not </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>give him time, and give yourself time, he resumes, and you'll be fine</em>
</p>
<p><em>i keep trying to tell him that</em>, he says hopelessly, <em>it doesn't feel like he ever takes it in</em></p>
<p>
  <em>well karl doesn't really do "fine" does he<br/>
not like you and me do</em>
</p>
<p><em>no</em>, Sapnap types with a halfhearted smile, <em>hes real bad at that<br/>
i love him</em></p>
<p><em>i know you do</em>, Dream says, <em>he loves you too, you know that?</em></p>
<p>
  <em>how do u even know he does </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>it's not so hard to tell<br/>
you're a bunch of idiots sap<br/>
ily </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>u mean so much to me :(<br/>
i love u too</em>
</p>
<p>He thinks he can see Dream's smile through the invisible wall between them, even after the conversation ends and his phone turns off automatically and he's left in the cold night with nothing to warm his heart. </p>
<p>He supposes that it makes sense, really. Maybe they need time, maybe something more than stupid unspoken words and ideas that they both seem to suffocate in. More than anything, Sapnap knows they're in the same place in different rooms, both with the same end goal but no idea how to get there. If he could, he'd run into Karl's room and stand in the doorway and watch as the walls crumbled between them; he'd <em>love</em> him, unapologetic. </p>
<p>But Karl won't let Sapnap love him - that's the thing, that's the issue. Even though he probably wants it and has no good reason to keep avoiding him like this, he just <em>won't</em>.</p>
<p><em>How much do you want me, Karl</em>? he'd asked at the beach, half-believing it would jolt him out of his brain. </p>
<p><em>Too much, I think.</em> That's all he'd said. That's all he's ever said. <em>Too much.</em></p>
<p>But Sapnap doesn't think there <em>could</em> be too much, at least it doesn't feel like it, not a single point in time where Karl's love would ever be more than he wants. Not when he wants everything about him, not when there's nothing in him, even the annoying or stupid bits, that he isn't desperately in love with. There's so much that Sapnap wants to live out with Karl there to see it. Not <em>too much</em>, just enough or maybe even not enough depending on how well life treats them. </p>
<p>Beyond pipe dreams and fantasies, Sapnap wants every day with Karl. He wants his laughter, his soft eyes and pink cheeks, nights that stretch on forever where they make blanket forts and hold each other and pretend it's just them without the rest of the world. He wants the lights in their eyes to reflect each other's, for their souls to intertwine through shared clothes and shared moments and shared <em>everything</em>. He wants to say "boyfriend" without it having to be so confusing, and for the word to mean <em>him</em>, to mean <em>Karl,</em> at least for a long, long time. If there's anything Sapnap can ever call his own, if nothing else, he wants the sweaters and the grey eyes and the heart of gold that never seems to run out of love. All in his arms, in one person, in two linked hands. </p>
<p>Sapnap can't imagine it being anyone but him. </p>
<p>He tugs his phone from a fleece-lined pocket once more and opens Karl's messages almost automatically. Their past conversations have morphed so easily from light and friendly to confused and lost, one after the other - hell, there are even older messages that Sapnap scrolls past that indicate they've felt this way before. Sure, they're subtler, but had he learned to recognize it sooner he thinks he would've figured it out back then. </p>
<p>
  <em>Maybe I'd be yours, if I'd done that. Maybe you'd be mine.</em>
</p>
<p>He texts without thinking - <em>i miss you</em> - then sends it without meaning to. The phone feels heavy in his palm - is it the metal or the weight of the words he has yet to speak? </p>
<p>Three dots pop up on his screen, indicating that Karl is there on the other end. Sapnap can hear the way he sucks in breaths of air and tries to think straight, see how he types and retypes the same sentence over and over again. If he asked why, Karl would probably say that he just overthinks, that it takes him time to figure out how he wants to word things. </p>
<p><em>You do, don't you</em>? he'd said in response not so long ago. <em>You always over-complicate things like that.</em></p>
<p><em>miss you too</em>, comes a reply after awhile, and it's so obvious that he doesn't know what to say that he may as well be lying anyways. Sapnap digs his knuckles into the grass and tries to clear his head, tries to change thought into reality as he remembers what Dream told him. </p>
<p><em>do you need time</em>? he asks, even though the words feel miserable. <em>if u need to step away for a second i mean, we can do that</em></p>
<p><em>i dont want to</em>, Karl replies miserably. <em>i really dont want to step away from you</em></p>
<p>Great, absolutely no resolve whatsoever. </p>
<p><em>im sorry for being so confusing,</em> he continues, and Sapnap feels a pang of guilt for being frustrated at him. It doesn't change much. It's a feeling he's all too familiar with. </p>
<p><em>i am, too,</em> he says. <em>im bad at this too</em></p>
<p>
  <em>idk<br/>
i knew it was gonna be this way sap, u know that? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>i dunno what that means</em>
</p>
<p><em>i knew i was gonna fall for u one way or another</em>, he sends after another few minutes of dragged-out typing. <em>rly i did</em><br/>
<em>i just promised myself i wouldnt<br/>
i said not to fall in love with you and i still did</em></p>
<p>His heart drops rather sickeningly. </p>
<p>Thinking of the way his knees had hit the kitchen floor in despair, tears pooling on the tiles, Sapnap wonders if there was some semblance of truth to the thoughts that had brought him to the ground. He's ached enough by now that the sting in his chest is nothing new. </p>
<p><em>do you regret it</em>? he asks, wondering if he too will regret asking. </p>
<p><em>no</em>, he says, <em>i thought i did but i dont think i do<br/>
its just a lot ig</em></p>
<p>He's so painfully vague that it almost hurts. </p>
<p>
  <em>you're real confused huh</em>
</p>
<p><em>yes and no</em>, Karl says, and Sapnap wants to punch something. </p>
<p><em>why are u so indirect</em>, he sends, first in hopes that it'll change something, then in hopes that it won't. He doesn't want to change Karl, even if he gets tired of the way his antics all play out. <em>you can tell me what you mean karl</em></p>
<p>
  <em>fuck i know okay look<br/>
i know what i want and ive told you that already<br/>
i just dont know how to make myself feel okay about it</em>
</p>
<p><em>you told me</em>, Sapnap says, <em>that you're scared</em> </p>
<p>
  <em>i am scared sap<br/>
think of it this way. i cant see whats gonna happen if i jump and so i cant jump<br/>
what if everything goes wrong when i land?</em>
</p>
<p>Karl has always spoken through weird metaphors and riddles and sentences that don't make sense, particularly when there are things he doesn't know how to explain. Sapnap knows that about him - he's noticed the way he dodges problems with things that can be solved. Questions that stand as issues he'll never have to face make it easier for him to face his own, and Sapnap has slowly picked up on it as well. He thinks of the snow, of the one building with two rooms, of the walls he sees between them. <em>You and I, we're not so different, are we?</em></p>
<p>They are different, really, but it makes their similarities easier to figure out. </p>
<p><em>what would be the worst that would happen if you jumped then?</em> he asks. <em>what's the real thing that's stopping you?</em></p>
<p><em>i dont want people to hate me</em>, Karl replies, and a flood of memories washes up with it. A couple times before, they'd sat against the wall on the floor of Karl's old apartment and Sapnap had held him close - not tender or gentle but instead to provide some kind of shelter. He'd whispered the same words then with teary eyes and trembling hands, voice coated in a vulnerability he'd tried very hard to hide - <em>I don't want people to hate me.</em></p>
<p>Sapnap had wondered then, and he wonders now, how anyone ever could. </p>
<p><em>why does that matter?</em> he asks, knowing full well it's probably the wrong question.</p>
<p>
  <em>because they'd hate me sap<br/>
do you hear me<br/>
i dont want that</em>
</p>
<p><em>i dont even know who ur talking about</em>, he says, <em>who is gonna hate you for loving me?</em></p>
<p><em>i know that its silly,</em> he sends after a minute's hesitation, <em>but i always thought that u might. you n the rest of the world, sap<br/>
i just dont want you to feel like you cant back out</em></p>
<p>Sapnap aches, more than ever, to make him understand. </p>
<p>
  <em>karl i want this as much as you do<br/>
there's nothing you could do thatd make me hate you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>i know but what if like something goes wrong? and we lose each other?</em>
</p>
<p>He can hear the cogs in Karl's brain turning, hear him try to justify a train of thought that has long since gone off track. Even now, he buzzes with anxious yearning, with energy that burns in his chest and flares up into his throat. Sapnap misses his earnest touch, his smiles, the way he used to let himself go. <em>Take me back to that.</em></p>
<p><em>i told you i dont wanna lose you</em>, Karl carries on, <em>and you said that i might and i dont know why you said that but i dont want to. i dont want to sapnap</em></p>
<p><em>im sorry</em>, he says again, hoping it sounds as genuine as it feels to type; they're two words that he's said over and over lately, that can lose their meaning so easily. <em>i dont wanna lose you either and im really sorry if i made you feel like that was gonna happen</em></p>
<p><em>yeah</em>, he says, <em>it's alright u know. just that this has all happened really really fast and its hard to get a grip on it</em></p>
<p>
  <em>i know<br/>
im conflicted too, you know? im scared too<br/>
youre one of my best friends in the whole world </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>you dont want just that though do you<br/>
you dont want the silly little "best friend" title<br/>
i know you dont</em>
</p>
<p><em>i've never wanted just to be your friend karl,</em> he confesses, and it sends warm waves of electricity flooding across his body. <em>i couldnt have you out of my reach like that</em></p>
<p>
  <em>i couldnt, either<br/>
i didnt like myself for that one though</em>
</p>
<p><em>its okay,</em> Sapnap encourages him, <em>i like you</em><br/>
<em>i like you alot</em></p>
<p>
  <em>yeah LOL i know that </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>just wanted to be sure</em>
</p>
<p><em>yeah well</em>, Karl says, like he's at a tipping point with no weight to pull him either way. <em>what do we do?</em></p>
<p>
  <em>be a little more specific </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>im not sure<br/>
what if i lose you? i dont want to<br/>
what if i jump in and youre not there when i hit the ground</em>
</p>
<p><em>think of it this way</em>, Sapnap plays along with his metaphor. <em>its more important to see the good things in jumping rather than just all the bad ones</em></p>
<p>
  <em>what kind of things are you thinking of? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>well in every bad thing youre imagining, theres going to be something you could look forward to<br/>
something worth jumping for</em>
</p>
<p>Karl types for another few seconds. The dots rise and fall and fade into nothingness for a minute, then; <em>are you worth jumping for?</em></p>
<p>
  <em>what do you think? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>of course i think you're worth jumping for</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>you know not every what-if is going to be a bad one yeah? you know "what if" can mean something good </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>i know that<br/>
i mean okay i dont know that. but i try really hard to</em>
</p>
<p><em>its hard for me too</em>, he sends with a watery smile to accompany it. </p>
<p>
  <em>you try harder than i do though huh </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>no not really<br/>
i think we just have different definitions of what it means to try</em>
</p>
<p><em>yeah</em>, Karl says, <em>ig that's true isnt it</em></p>
<p><em>we both see things a bit differently</em>, he adds. <em>we both want the same things n sometimes it seems like we dont cause we have different ways of getting there<br/>
you know?</em></p>
<p>
  <em>mhm<br/>
sap i wanna get there </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>me too<br/>
do you think we can get there? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>i think so<br/>
i think id be willing to try, for you<br/>
i think a lot of things i guess. all the time</em>
</p>
<p><em>what else do you think?</em> Sapnap asks, though somewhere deep inside him he knows most of it already. </p>
<p>
  <em>i think that i need you<br/>
i need you too much to just let this go</em>
</p>
<p>Sapnap pulls his coat tighter around him and dares to believe that he won't let go. That maybe, rather than Karl jumping to him or stepping off into nothingness, they jump together. Hands linked, falling through the air with no idea what'll greet them at the bottom. </p>
<p>That could be really bad. </p>
<p>But if they're both there to see it, will it really be so bad? Will they face each other with the same ferocity not knowing what the other is thinking, or will it be easier, perhaps, to understand? Will the clouds that surround them as they fall feel as dreamy as they normally would, or will they be cold and wet and suffocating? Will the airplane pilots see them race the wind as they pass? </p>
<p>Sapnap wants them to be there together. If they get used to it, if they never do, if they spend the rest of their lives trying to reach what feels like the ground - Sapnap wants to fly with him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i have no idea what i'll do after this fic is done but again!!! the love on it is so so appreciated thank u all i adore u. see you whenever the next chapter is posted</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Underneath the stars, hope entwines two hands.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HELLO! last chapter pog! this one actually took me unreasonably long compared to the others because i wasn't sure exactly which direction to take it, endings are really hard to formulate and i've always struggled to get in a good last sentence without wanting to add more. i think it's a typical writing thing to be totally honest. </p><p>anyways, thank you for reading! enjoy the chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>POV: Karl</strong>
</p><p>The lamps shine much too brightly in Karl's dark living room, sending spotlights dancing up on the ceiling and turning into blobs before his eyes. He has no idea what time it is, only that he's not asleep yet and the orange glow of his living room is the only thing keeping him awake. It's probably late. </p><p>There's a phone lying on his coffee table, rug scrunched around his feet, and the television is broadcasting a show he stopped paying attention to hours ago. He can hear the dull voices of the people on the screen, see the way they move in tandem with one another, but he's unsure of what they're speaking of or who they are. The remote lies abandoned on the floor, for pausing and rewinding and trying to figure out what's happening has done Karl no good. His mind is elsewhere tonight, far gone from the indoors, roaming somewhere beyond shallow waters and familiar territory. </p><p>Although the night buzzes and hums in peaceful harmony around him, the song Karl's heart sings is restless and hard to pinpoint, and he's forgotten all sleep and all relaxation just to listen to it. It sings a longing tune of everything he desires, reminding him of how <em>stupidly</em> touch-starved he is, and he's probably been playing the whole thing on loop inside his chest for hours now. It beats faster then slower then faster again, drumming out thoughts that he'd rather keep to himself. </p><p>Thoughts that he hasn't kept to himself, because of Sapnap. </p><p>Yeah, it's not exactly subtle. Over the course of an hour or two, he's essentially poured his entire heart out to Sapnap, not quite by mistake but not on purpose either. It's a little bit embarrassing and he's not really sure what to do now, but he's done it. That's it. </p><p>The truth is out, not that it already wasn't, and he's said almost everything he needs to say. </p><p>It's comforting in a way, knowing Sapnap understands now, knowing they don't think so differently after all. The conversation was long and a little emotional and confusing, but with everything laid out in front of them at once, Karl doesn't feel so bad anymore. </p><p>His eyes unfocus on the message he can't stop rereading. <em>i think that i need you</em>, he'd said - it's the last thing he sent. </p><p>He thinks that it's true. He's sick of denying it. </p><p>
  <em>But if only I could tell you I loved you.</em>
</p><p>It's true that he would've rather said that, told him that, instead of everything else. To cup Sapnap's face and tell him over and <em>over</em> just how fucking in <em>love</em> he is, how much he would do to keep that alive forever, is everything Karl has thought about for far too long now. </p><p><em>I love you</em>, he'd say, and maybe that'd be enough or maybe he'd throw in a few extra words just to let him know how much he means it. Karl isn't really sure how it'd all play out, but so long as he finally lets it all spill out of him, he doesn't think it'd really be so bad. </p><p>But the problem is that every time the words come close to escaping him, they force themselves back down his throat. His mouth goes all dry before he can say it, and his stomach feels like it's been filled with lead and he can't swallow without feeling all sick because he just isn't <em>allowed</em> to.</p><p><em>That's not how this works</em>, he convinces himself each and every time. <em>It's not how</em> I <em>work. Stop being stupid, Karl, and get your head on straight.</em></p><p>And it always comes back for him eventually. </p><p>Karl has pushed himself to believe that Sapnap is nothing more than a friend to him for a long, long time, and only recently did he ever decide it wasn't true. <em>If only I'd come to terms with it sooner</em>, he thinks, <em>maybe I'd be able to tell him.</em></p><p>Today's been the closest he's ever come to saying it, though not out loud. Although ten simple clicks on his keyboard would be enough to tell Sapnap this time, his hands feel weirdly paralyzed every time he tries, and he always ends up deleting it before the eleventh. <em>Always.</em></p><p>Eleven clicks. That's all. It's some weird forbidden number he can't get his head around. </p><p>Karl can't keep still, mind too restless to let him sleep or even sit down properly. So as the phone flicks off in the shadows, he stands up and disappears into the dark, ignoring the sounds from the television that seem to tell him to stay. Tugging a jacket over his shoulders and stepping into the first pair of shoes he finds, he's out the door in two seconds without even meaning to be. </p><p>He pulls the car out of the garage and into the streets, driving automatically to the left and then down to the right at the end of the road. Something tells him it's the right thing at the moment, even though he's not sure where he'll end up. More than that, something tells him he's tracing Sapnap's footsteps, following him somewhere Karl has no proof that he's ever been. </p><p>Although his evidence is lacking, he has a feeling he's right about not being the only person driving down this road. It feels like they've come down here together tonight, like Sapnap is right next to him in the passenger seat and they're laughing about pizza and music and Valorant and whatever else once more. It feels like he could kiss the empty spaces between his fingers and against his shoulders, lean into them and whisper words of affection into the air he breathes alone right now. </p><p>He knows he can't. Sapnap isn't here, and maybe he's not even wherever Karl thinks he's gone. Still, it feels <em>right.</em> </p><p>
  <em>I hope it's right. I hope I'm right.</em>
</p><p>Sapnap remains firmly painted into his mind the entire drive, remains his only GPS on a street he's not entirely sure he's been down before. Somehow, Karl knows where he's going, if only because of him. He takes another few turns left and right and a U-turn once when he's sure he's gone the wrong direction, until his heart leads him back to the park. </p><p><em>Oh</em>, he realises, <em>of course I'm here.</em></p><p>And just like that, he's right back on the forested path they'd driven down maybe a few days ago (it puts a lot of things into perspective, knowing it's only been that long) and out onto the same old rocky ground he stepped onto not knowing what was going on. Just like that, he's letting the old chill of the night sink into his bones once more, letting all the memories catch up to him. Karl sinks into them and wonders what he'd even expected from that shining silver date, what he'd even thought was going to happen. </p><p>He hadn't expected to be in love by the end of the night, that's for sure. </p><p>And yet it happened, and it's everything he ever could've wanted because it's Sapnap and that's all he needs at all. </p><p><em>Sapnap,</em> he repeats a few times in his head, more to ground himself than anything. </p><p>
  <em>I really hope you're here.</em>
</p><p>Karl exits the car, shoes crunching against the ground all the way down the path. Every footstep takes him a second closer to Sapnap, a second closer to something that might not even be there - but <em>no, he has to be here, he has to.</em></p><p>
  <em>Where else would he be, right?</em>
</p><p>That's an entirely idiotic question because he's at home, probably, maybe even sleeping by now. Karl tries not to feel stupid as he keeps walking. His heart drums in his chest. </p><p>
  <em>What if he's not here? What then?</em>
</p><p>Sapnap told him that <em>what-if</em> can be good too. He tries to focus on that. </p><p>Reaching the park in another minute or so, Karl approaches the end of the path with increasing nervousness. He stares out across grassy fields and benches and silver clouds that seem to sink lower and lower the longer he watches them - it's pretty, but he doesn't care about any of that. He doesn't care about how nice the sky is tonight so long as Sapnap is here - <em>please, Sapnap</em>, he thinks, unsure of what to do now that he's standing at the very end of the path looking out at it all, <em>please, be here.</em></p><p>The sight of a silhouette, flickering in and out of view next to one of the farthest benches, catches Karl's eye. It doesn't take a genius to tell who it is. </p><p>
  <em>So you are here after all.</em>
</p><p>All at once, everything seems to come together; Karl swears he's floating, five, ten feet off the ground, swears he can feel himself fly as he looks at him. He practically forgets to breathe again just looking at the shadowy figure, so indistinct yet so <em>obviously</em> the person he's grown to love so much - <em>Sapnap.</em></p><p>Something inside him clicks into place.  </p><p>Karl doesn't know when he starts running, doesn't hear himself call "Sapnap!" out into the freezing night air, but he knows that Sapnap turns to look at him and yells "Karl?" back as if he's not expecting to see him there at all. He knows, too, that he's in love with the smile he sees on Sapnap's face, at his surprise and wide eyes and open arms, and he knows that nothing else in the world could <em>ever</em> measure up to just what he feels right now. The exhilaration sends sparks flying up into his throat, charging him with electricity, filling Karl with something he can't contain within him for a moment longer. </p><p>He knows the moment he flies into Sapnap's arms and holds him so tightly that his shoulders ache, that he's <em>home.</em></p><p>"Sap," he says into his shoulder, and the words seem to tumble out of him, "Sap, I'm sorry, fuck, I'm so sorry, I'm here now and I promise I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to-" </p><p>"<em>Karl</em>," Sapnap gasps, cutting off his stream of stammered promises and apologies, "oh my god, I.. I didn't expect you to <em>be</em> here." </p><p>"I'm here," he whispers again, "I'm here and I'm sorry that I wasn't here sooner, I know I should've been, Sap, I know I needed to be." </p><p>He can never seem to say exactly the right words, encompass what he feels inside with quite the right things. He hopes beyond hope that Sapnap understands what he means. </p><p>They spin around each other once more, just like they'd done at the beach with linked hands and bright eyes, and Karl curses himself for not taking the chance then and kissing him like he should've. <em>I really should have. If I wasn't so stupid. If I wasn't so scared.</em></p><p>
  <em>God, I'm such an idiot.</em>
</p><p>"It's okay," Sapnap says, "Karl, listen to me, it's okay. You're here now, and.. and we're alright." His voice trembles and breaks, but he doesn't hesitate to go on; "I should've known you'd be here, I should have trusted you, you know that? You.. you never let me down." </p><p>"That's a lie," he laughs shakily, "<em>god</em>, that's such a lie, Sap, I'm so sorry-" </p><p>"Shh." A warm hand runs through his hair. He stops speaking. "Shh, no. No more apologizing, okay?" </p><p>"But-" </p><p>"Shut up, none of that. No more, Karl. It's alright." </p><p>Karl buries his head into the crook of Sapnap's neck, tracing circles on his back with his fingers and hoping to provide some comfort in return. He takes a breath and tries again to say something, to promise Sapnap he's never going to leave him. To tell him <em>I want you here, by my side, if it's the last thing that ever happens</em>, to say this is all he wants. </p><p>The thing he's been trying so hard not to let out leaves his mouth in a rush. </p><p>"I love you." </p><p>Sapnap's breath catches audibly in his throat, as if he's not quite sure he <em>really</em> heard it. </p><p>Then all at once, he pulls him even deeper into the hug, arms wrapped securely, safely, around his back, a single soft gasp of relief escaping him. It's warm and loving and Karl can't express enough how much he never, ever wants to let go of this. </p><p>"I love you," Karl breathes again, face still smothered in his shoulder, the fleece of his jacket hot against his face, "I love you, Sap. I mean it." </p><p>Sapnap squeezes him tighter, playing with the fabric around his collar with hands that Karl wants to hold for the rest of his life. "I love you too," he murmurs, so real and genuine and <em>fuck</em>, it's everything he's ever needed. </p><p>Karl's never heard it from him before, the way the pitch in his voice drops to whisper words that will only ever belong to him, but he likes it - so, so much. It's warmer than the hug he's enveloped in and perhaps anything else in the world on top of that, and it feels like he's falling in love all over again but it doesn't hurt this time. </p><p>Right now, nothing matters as much as this - nothing matters quite like they do. </p><p>The two draw apart just enough to look into each other's faces, and Sapnap stares up at him with brown eyes full of a strange hopefulness. His gaze flickers across Karl's face and down to his mouth, then back up to look him in the eyes once more. </p><p><em>Oh</em>, he realises, mouth falling slightly open. <em>Oh</em>. </p><p>There's a rather awkward pause where neither of them know just what to say. Karl opens his mouth again to speak and closes it, chewing on his tongue nervously because <em>oh shit, how do we actually do this without making it super weird and awkward all over again</em>? He can't shake the nagging feeling that one of them will pull away. </p><p>But then Sapnap laughs shyly, and Karl's heart explodes for easily the hundredth time, and he totally forgets all his worries. </p><p>"Can I… well," he says, swallowing nervously, "can I, uh.. you know?" </p><p>"You wanna kiss me, Sap?" Karl asks, unable to stop the grin that spreads across his face as Sapnap flushes and gives him a tiny nod (and Karl wonders how on earth he's so <em>perfect</em>). </p><p>"Of course," he says "Go ahead."  </p><p>Cheeks flaming red, Sapnap kisses him. </p><p>His lips and breath are warm against the cold night air, and he tastes of lilacs and smoke and honey chapstick - Karl, infatuated, kisses back like he wishes so badly he had the first time. He presses a hand to Sapnap's cheek, rough and patched with stubble, running a thumb across his cheekbone and down his jawline with gentle adoration. He's filled to the brim with bright and bubbling and <em>warm, so warm</em>. </p><p>Sapnap's hands trace patterns in his hair, releasing him partially from the hug to tug at his curls and send shivers passing over his body, and he leans deeper into the kiss with a soft smile that Karl can feel beneath his lips. Under the cloudy sky, the moonlight soaking into their skin, it feels like there's nobody else but the two of them here to share this moment. <em>Nothing but us. It's just us.</em></p><p>
  <em>Are we flying this time, like you wanted?</em>
</p><p>Karl breaks the kiss, breathing hard, sending out clouds of oxygen that float up around them. He looks back down into Sapnap's eyes, and feels light, almost free, at the sight of them. The tendrils of smokey air that leave his breath evaporate. The atmosphere does not. </p><p>They're both smiling, he notices - both a little shy and unsure, both so obviously in love. The moment carries on in silence for another few seconds. </p><p>Sapnap looks at him with big brown eyes, and another boost of courage makes him look right back. </p><p>"I love you," Karl mumbles again, "a lot. I think I always have." </p><p>Sapnap laughs quietly once more, arms wrapped around his shoulders, still toying with strands of hair that fall to the base of his neck. "I love you too, silly. I wish I'd known sooner." </p><p>"Me too," he sighs, "'nd we've lost so much time. Do you think there's a way to make up for it?"  </p><p>Sapnap grins. "I think so - look, c'mere." </p><p>He pulls Karl closer once more, giving him no time to speak before leaning in to kiss him again. </p><p>--- </p><p>They can't kiss forever, unfortunately, and eventually breathlessness draws them apart. Still standing in the chilled park, they spend a few more minutes there in silence, arms around each other's shoulders, before the cold sends them running back home. </p><p>As much as Karl would like to drive home together, they each have a car to take back, and abandoning them just to be together for ten minutes probably wouldn't be wise. They separate briefly and regretfully, just long enough for them each to get home before returning to each other's company. </p><p>When Karl returns to his living room, he finds that his TV's turned off and his lamps still glow bright orange. He doesn't bother to turn on the big lights that make his whole house white, too worried about what it'll do to his already blurry eyesight. He considers sleep briefly, and decides to put it off until tomorrow, turning his phone on to another text from Sapnap instead. </p><p><em>i need u too</em>, it reads. </p><p><em>Wow, okay</em>. Karl can't quite stifle his laughter. <em>very funny dumbass</em>, he texts back, <em>why didnt u say that one earlier</em></p><p>
  <em>i figured id wait</em>
</p><p><em>whatever,</em> he says, <em>ur stupid :]</em></p><p>
  <em>uh huh sure<br/>
who's the one who fell in love with me</em>
</p><p>Karl can't stop himself grinning. </p><p>
  <em>stfu you fell in love with me too<br/>
anyways are you coming over or what</em>
</p><p><em>u want me to</em>? Sapnap asks, as if it's not obvious already. </p><p><em>of course i do are u stupid</em>, he responds, still feeling all warm and fuzzy and safe. get over here sap </p><p>
  <em>okay okay<br/>
u better be ready im gonna show up with no warning </em>
</p><p>
  <em>im ready :] </em>
</p><p>
  <em>see ya cutie</em>
</p><p>Karl feels his face heat up - of course he's going to get bombarded with stupid nicknames now, he probably should've expected it. He smiles fondly at the message, texting back a <em>see</em> ya soon and staring at the conversation for another while longer. </p><p>Sapnap knocks on his door maybe ten minutes after, immediately throwing himself into Karl's arms upon being let inside. He almost topples backwards at the unexpected hug, only just managing to steady himself and hug back. </p><p>"<em>Sapnap</em>," he groans, "what the fuck-" </p><p>"Karl!" he hears him say, and then his feet leave the ground and he flies through the air in a circle that makes him feel all giddy. "Told you to be ready!" </p><p>"Yeah, I didn't think you meant <em>that</em>." Karl grimaces, but a loving grin is already spreading across his cheeks. It doesn't fade as he breaks away from the hug. "C'mon," he grabs Sapnap's hand and pulls him down the hallway, "it's late. What are we even gonna do?" </p><p>Sapnap follows him out into the living room, past his bedroom door and into a slightly messy lamplit space. "Well, I mean-" </p><p>"Wait," Karl says, "you didn't wanna go somewhere again, did you? Sap, I'm not letting you drag me-" </p><p>He's stopped by firm arms wrapping around his shoulders, emitting a soft gasp as he's pulled into an embrace once more. They slow in their tracks, and Karl can't help but lean back into him. "You can't <em>do</em> that yet, silly, come on." </p><p>Sapnap releases him without another word, and he finds immediately that he misses it. <em>Oops.</em></p><p>"Anyways," Sapnap says as they sit down on Karl's sofa almost without thinking, "I didn't wanna go anywhere tonight, if you don't, I mean." </p><p>"What are we doing then?" </p><p>His voice softens, "I just wanted to.. to stay with you?" </p><p>Karl dives back into another hug that nearly sends Sapnap falling backwards, fingers locking around his chest with a contented sigh. "Course you can stay," he says, fiddling with the tags on his shirt absentmindedly. "What made you think I'd say no?" </p><p>Maybe that's a bad question, actually. Maybe he shouldn't have asked. </p><p>"All the times you-" Sapnap stops awkwardly, and Karl is proven right, "no, never mind, it's.. nothing." </p><p>Karl chews on his lip worriedly. Guilt drenches his glowing mood in blue. </p><p>He knows what Sapnap was about to say. </p><p>"I'm sorry," he mutters. "I was stupid." </p><p>"So now you admit it," Sapnap pokes him in the cheek with a sad sort of smile. Karl grabs his hand and keeps it there, steady, like a promise.  </p><p>"I want you here," he says, "really, I do. Sap, I… I wanna be with you all the time. I know I always said weird things when you asked me about that and I told you <em>nothing</em> a lot and I really wish I hadn't done that-" </p><p>"Nothing was always enough for me," he mutters. "I learned to get used to it." </p><p>Karl squeezes his hand tighter. "It doesn't have to be anymore. Sap, I lov-" </p><p>Sapnap just pulls him closer, till they're leaning on the back of the couch and Karl's lying against his chest. "I know that," he murmurs. "I know you love me, stupid idiot. You don't have to tell me." </p><p>"But I will." </p><p>Sapnap presses a kiss against the top of his head. "'N that's fine with me." </p><p>They lie there together for another minute or two, and then Karl has to awkwardly grope for the remote that lies just out of reach on the ground and push himself away from Sapnap, just so he can put on some show neither of them are even going to watch. When Sapnap asks him why, he just says "background noise" as some vague excuse for an action he doesn't know the meaning of, and falls back into place once more.</p><p>They don't let go of each other for a long time. </p><p>When Sapnap tugs a nearby blanket over the both of them and the television noise turns into abstract words he can't make out, Karl decides maybe he'll just fall asleep in his arms again; maybe that isn't as bad as he's been telling himself it is. He wants to get up and go to bed and <em>not</em> have a terrible ache in his back by morning, but Sapnap is so <em>warm. Would it be worth it to sleep alone anyways?</em></p><p>He doesn't think so. </p><p>"Are you cool with sleeping here?" he yawns, pulling the blanket tighter around them. </p><p>Sapnap shifts underneath him, but he doesn't sit up, seeming to be just as tired as he is. "That's.. yeah, that's fine." </p><p>"Good, cause I'm not getting up." </p><p>He chuckles quietly. "Are you gonna fall asleep again, baby?" </p><p>Karl blushes right to the roots of his hair, forgetting to respond or show any sign he's heard at all and <em>shit</em>, he thinks, <em>is it okay to like that?</em></p><p>"Uh," he manages to say, "y-yeah. Uh-huh. Mhm." </p><p>Sapnap messes with a strand or two of his hair. "You alright, there Karl?" </p><p>"Wasn't expecting you to call me that," he mumbles, still flaming at the cheeks. </p><p>"Oh," he says with a giggle that makes Karl want to kiss him, "oh, uh, is that okay? Sorry, I just.. automatic thing. Are you fine with that? I don't wanna, if you-" </p><p>"Yeah," he says with a half-nod, and all of a sudden he can't quite stop smiling. "Yeah, no, don't worry 'bout it. The nicknames are cute." </p><p>"They suit you," Sapnap grins.</p><p>Karl just sighs softly and closes his eyes. "G'night, Sap." </p><p>"Night night," he says, stroking his hair absently, "sleep well, <em>baby</em>." </p><p>He misses it through his grogginess, but he thinks Sapnap might whisper a quiet "I love you" on top of it. </p><p><em>I love you too,</em> he thinks once again. </p><p><em>Maybe</em>, Karl decides, <em>this whole love thing isn't so bad after all.</em> Not when it's with him. </p><p>Karl hopes it's always with him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>going to admit here that i did have to go back and edit chapter five because i accidentally left a completely unnoticeable plot hole in there that was really bothering me. the more u know i guess. </p><p>aside from that, thank you all for reading! i'm honestly surprised by the amount of support i've recieved for this particular piece, but it's all very welcome and i appreciate everyone whos dropped in. until next time :]</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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